Episode 14
Guys you got this story to over a hundred votes I honestly spat tea everywhere when I saw ah thank you all I hope that this chapter doesn't completely suck ✌
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A sweet and floral aroma curled in tendrils throughout the small living quarters as you made tea in the parlor. It seemed that Ben's habit of sleeping in far later than you hadn't changed when he became Kylo Ren. There was no kitchen in the living space, but in the parlor there was a small cabinet full of different teas from all over the galaxy, labeled with the planet that they had come from. There was a simple, transparent teapot, and a smooth, angular, black stone table, which, upon inspection, was warm to the touch.
(Like this but black)
You filled the pot with water and set it onto the table, letting it warm up before adding a small bundle of leaves. When you had picked it from the organised shelves of similar teas, it had been labeled "Dantooine." You sat on the floor and watched as the tea leaves unfurled, revealing intact blossoms within.
When the tea had seeped for a while and had made the water a beautiful golden color, you poured it into two small, glass cups and set them on the table again so that they wouldn't lose their heat. The steam snaked up from the glimmering tea, bringing the tantalizing scent up to you. The high temperature of the table and tea wasn't enough to heat the freezing room, causing the bizarre experience of having goosebumps while feeling warmth.
Standing up and hugging your arms to your body to stay warm, you decided to wake Kylo. You had so many questions that you were terrified to ask, so you'd figured that you should put him in a good mood first. That's why you made the tea. You had taken a deep breath and took your first step towards his bed when he walked into the room.
Even after all the time you'd spent hating Kylo Ren, you found yourself admiring his appearance. Even though you still feared that he would kill you, you allowed your mind to wander. His body was toned and proportioned perfectly, and his handsome face showed so much emotion. His hair was wild and satiny, almost begging you to run your hands through it. You suddenly felt an affectionate warm presence at the back of your mind, but you were too tired and distracted to pay much attention to it. You let your eyes close as the feeling spread throughout your entire being.
You felt him gazing at you, and could perceive the faint smirk that played across his face.
"It's a relief that, even after so much has changed, you can still think about me as anything but a monster," Kylo commented casually.
You heard him walk away and the warmth dispersed, leaving you with nothing but the cold of the room. You sat down, cross-legged, in front of the warm table, trying to absorb as much of the modest amount of heat that you could. You were surprised at how wonderful and gentle his search through your emotions had been when you weren't fighting it.
He returned with the black blankets from his bed and sat next to you, wrapping them around both of you. Cautiously, you leaned your head on his shoulder, surrounded by the comforting darkness of the cozy blankets. Kylo reached out and grabbed the tea cups, pulling them within the sheets. You were both engulfed by a snug warmth and the thick floral scent of the drink.
You and Kylo sat in silence drinking your tea, simply enjoying having the opportunity to be near each other.
However, the tea soon disappeared, leaving you with nothing to do. Your questions were burning holes in the back of your throat, and your doubts were tearing rifts in your sanity. You couldn't wait any longer.
"Um, Kylo? I'm sorry to ask, but-"
"You want to hear what happened when I became Kylo Ren from my point of view?" He was unsurprised by your question.
You nodded sheepishly as you gazed into his soulful eyes.
There was a long hush.
You could see the shame and insecurity in his eyes. He could tell that you were still terrified of him, even if you didn't want to be scared. He could feel the torment that your cluelessness caused, and how ignorant you felt. The hurt and distrust that had burrowed itself deep into your mind due to the betrayal wouldn't easily be undone.
He wanted to tell you, but he didn't want to make you feel even more pain. He did, however, desperately long for your trust.
"For years before I... Left... Snoke had been trying to convince me to join the First Order." There was a slight shake in his voice at first, but it slowly faded. "He spoke to me in my mind, using my passions and self doubt to cut deep into my emotions. I knew that I could handle him taking everything away from me, with one exception; you. So I used all of my energy, constantly, to suppress how I felt, so that he could never get any leverage over me."
You listened intently as sorrow crept over the room.
"It wasn't easy, but I'd managed to pull it off for years. He never found out about you... Until that day in training when you'd finally managed to read mind for the first time. After I had seen your feelings for me... I mean Ben."
The self doubt and confusion in his voice were obvious.
"You took advantage of the opening that my shock had created, but so did Supreme Leader Snoke. After you'd fallen asleep later, he threatened me. If I didn't join him, he was going to tear you apart in front of me... Fuck, I mean Ben..." His voice cracked. "So, I let him turn me to the dark side. I'm so sorry that I never told you, but I couldn't. I wish I could go back and stop everything from going wrong, and keep you from being hurt, but I feel so helpless because I can't make you feel any better, and I can't undo what I've done."
His hands were clenched into fists and you could see tears brimmed in his eyes. Closing your eyes and ignoring your fear, you wrapped your arms around him tightly.
"Going by a different name doesn't make you a separate person." You spoke soothingly and softly, trying to comfort him. "Just so you know, I would've done the same thing for you... I mean Ben... in a heartbeat."
"You don't understand, (Y/n). Snoke physically changed something in my mind. Somehow, he began to subtly control me, subliminally suggesting thoughts and passing them off as my own. I can keep him from reading my thoughts, but I'm not powerful to keep his influence from affecting me. I didn't know if I was thinking or he was. I had no control for so long."
You felt tears running down your face as you looked up to him. You found that he was crying as well.
"This isn't your fault. If I'd managed to put up a mental block during training, you would've never gone through this." Tears ran down your face faster, as you began to think that your mistake had cost Ben his future.
"Damn it (Y/n), this isn't your fault. I couldn't have held in my feelings for you for very much longer." Kylo seemed annoyed that you had blamed yourself.
There was one more question that you had to ask before you could hold in the rest for another time.
"Is Ben really gone?"
Directly after you had asked, you regretted it. He removed himself from the blanket, leaving you wrapped up.
"I don't know if there's a way to save my old self anymore."
He left you sitting on the floor, the freezing cold intruding on your fortress of cloth now that his warmth was gone.
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IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY ON THE 24TH AND I WAS GOING TO UPDATE THEN BUT I HAD A PANIC ATTACK AND COULDN'T WRITE I'M SO SORRY AH
But yeah I'm pretty hype to be a dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen.
Side note: wowie kazowie is this chapter badly written oops sorry
Remember to vote and comment bc I'm a needy lil shit ✌