seventeen.
"Sexy!" The French photographer shouted after my pose. "More lip sweetie." He instructed, putting the camera down slightly and peeking out from behind it.
I stuck my lip out a bit and lifted my head up, gripping on the edges of the fur sleeveless coat. Not going to lie, this makes me feel like I'm a badass.
"Yes Lauren!" He shouted in his thick accent. His accent was so pure, I couldn't help but chuckle at him. "Okay, you want to see the pictures?" He asked me.
I nodded my head and walked over to the computer that they had been on. The pictures had been amazing. Very sassy and sexy. This is probably one of my favorite photoshoots that I have done in a while.
"Go change so we can shoot the next ones." The photographer told me.
I went to my dressing room and changed. This time, I changed into something that was more me. A leather jacket, tee shirt, black jeans, and combat boots. My stylist didn't want this look, but I forced her to make it an option. The power of Lauren Jauregui.
"Are you writing another song?" My hair stylist asked, noticing how I was concentrating on my phone and humming the tone of the song.
"Yeah," I said softly, immediately going back to the song.
"Everything alright? You seem a little weird today." He pointed out as he braided my hair.
"Currently going through a lot right now, don't really wanna talk about it." I said, trying not to sound harsh or sassy. "I'm not trying to be sassy, it's just I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to ruin my day." I added on.
"Understandable." He said nicely.
I'm trying to do all I can do in order for me to keep my mind off Normani.
We moved to a different set and this had a red light and had been a couch in front of a giant blanket with patterns, palms trees, and waves. I loved it.
We did a couple shots there and I took a look at them. They turned out nice and this was the one that I liked the most.
But, my shoot could've been better if I had Normani with me.
--
It now had been the day that my album drops and tonight was the album release party. I had sent an invitation out to Normani via text message, last week. I hadn't seen the girl in a week and after the album cover shoot, I went home and got my stuff and stayed at a hotel. Keana was an option, but I couldn't trust her or myself around her. I was going on the right path and I don't want to be influenced by her in any type of way.
"Lauren, you don't look like you're having any fun." Liam said to me, placing his hand on my shoulder.
I was constantly checking the door to see if I would see long, dark locks walk in with her entourage, but no luck of Normani. Just picturing her walking in, with a big smile on her face, and coming towards me and wrapping her arms around me and congratulating me made me anxious. Unfortunately, that didn't happen.
"C'mon, let's go have some fun." Liam told me, pulling on my wrist and towards the rest of the party.
I sighed, taking a quick glance back at the door to see if she would come in. Most likely she won't. She's probably not even thinking about me.
The thought of Normani being mad at me hurt like hell. This was a girl that I was looking forward to having a future with. I made a mistake and I own up to it. All she wanted to do was be there for me and love me, but I didn't know. Jilly told me I was just a hook up and then Normani is on top of me telling me that she's in love with me. It just confused me. I don't know who to believe. The person I want to believe is Normani, but what if everything is all just a lie?
Throughout the party, I didn't enjoy it at all. Liam tried to get me to talk and have fun, but my mind was on Normani. I've never had this experience before. I was never the person I was now before. Before, I was someone who was committed to a relationship. Just when Camila passed, I thought I could never love someone the same. With Tori, it didn't feel right. I just wanted a relationship to try to get my life back together, but it didn't work.
Then I met Normani. Her smile was amazing and she just gave off the best energy in the world. She was a loving and caring girl, and she truly cared for me. Normani had always made sure I was okay, and she wanted the best for me. It was just I was too afraid to fall in love with her. I was afraid to get hurt, and I did. But I never ever wanted to hurt. It wasn't my intentions. I promised her that I would stop hooking up with people and wait for the perfect someone to come around, and they did, but I screwed it up.
All I want to know is the truth. That's all.
I stayed in a hotel for a couple weeks. Staying with friends wouldn't be good for me, since I know I'll typically do something to get myself hurt. Time to myself is something I needed. Just to be alone and figure everything out.
It had been four weeks since I last saw Normani and two weeks since my album came out. Everyone was talking about how it dominated the charts and how successful it was doing, but I didn't care. The only thing I cared about was Normani. I felt empty. Cookie was talking about how amazing tour was going to be, but I couldn't think about it. I didn't care for touring right now, knowing my biggest fan isn't routing me on anymore was heartbreaking.
"You should talk to her," Cookie leaned forward and I looked at her confusedly. "I said you should talk to her." She repeated.
I frowned and sunk in the chair. "She doesn't want to talk to me."
Cookie smacked her lips together and hit my arm gently. "You don't know that. If you wanna know what's wrong, you have to ask. Nothing is going to get better with the two of you being silent." She advised.
"What if things don't work out?" I asked.
"When I was your age, my mom told me if love fails, it wasn't love. Love is supposed to be everlasting. Love isn't suppose to come to an end." She told me.
I thought about it and what I should say if I do speak to her. It wouldn't hurt to try, but then what if things take a different turn? I know I screwed up and there's a high possible chance of us not getting back together, but I just want us to stay friends. I don't want to end it between us right now.
"You got this Lauren," she told me, patting me on my back before exiting her office. "Oh, by the way, rehearsals tomorrow for performance on the Victoria Secret Fashion show on Sunday." She reminded me.
I widened my eyes remembering the last time I performed there. Camila was there and it was such a great performance. Ever since she passed, I refused to go back there. Only because I knew I'd get emotional. But this is my album, and I know this what the fans want. I can't run from everything.
When I got to the hotel, there had been a note shoved between my door. I pulled it out and read it and it had a number attached to it.
I understand you're going through a lot right now, and the most I want to do is be there for you. I often think of you, and I want to call you, but a part of me thinks you don't want to talk. So, I left this number for you to call. You don't have to call it if you don't want too, but if you want to talk I'm here. No matter what happens, I'll always be there for you and thinking of you.
- anonymous
I sat down at the desk and looked at the number at the bottom it. At first I didn't want to call it because it could be a stalker, but what if it was Normani? Maybe she's feeling the same way as I am and thinks I don't want to talk to her. I did leave the house when she wasn't home, maybe she wanted to talk to me and saw that as a sign of me not wanting to talk.
I quickly dialed the number and tapped my fingers against the desk as the dial tone rang. It rang for a while and I was getting anxious and was going to hang up until someone picked up.
"Hello?"
Hey.
"Zayn? Why are you calling me?"
Before you get all mad and cuss me out, I just want to talk to you.
"You are the last person I ever want to talk to."
I know that. But I know you need someone right now.
"I don't need you. Like how you didn't need me."
Stop bringing up the past and just hear me out.
"What do you want?"
I heard what happened with you and Normani.
"How do you know?"
Jilly told me.
"What did she say to you?"
She told me that you guys broke up because things weren't working out between you guys.
"What? No. That's not why."
Then what happened?
"I don't want to talk about it. What else did Jilly say?"
Oh. Well, she was saying how you said you and Normani aren't meant for each other and she said that Normani said you fought twenty four seven.
"We never fought. She's lying to you. Are her and Normani still friends?"
Yeah, why wouldn't they be?
"No reason. Hey, I'll talk to you later."
Wait, I just wanted to call and see if you're okay. I know you're mad and all, but I'm here if you need someone to talk to.
"Yeah, um, thanks."
I hung up and immediately went to Jilly's contact. I was heated and I really wanted to tell her off. Why would she lie? Just thinking about that, I can imagine what she told Normani. She probably lied to her as well, that's why they're still friends.
My finger hovered over the contact name and I decided not to call her. That will only make the problem bigger. It's just best if I talk to Normani and tell her the truth. The whole thing. From the night out with Jilly to how I was feeling at the moment. No matter how much I want to avoid this, I have to do this.
As soon as I called her phone went straight to voicemail. Either her phone is dead or she hung up. There's a high possible chance she hung up.
I'll just have to wait. Wait until she's ready to speak.
What was so confusing is why Jilly lied. We were friends, I guess. We never really talked, but I didn't have anything against her. Jilly was a nice person, very respectful, I wouldn't expect her to do something like this.
I came in late to rehearsals since I overslept last night.
"You're late." Cookie said, sounding annoyed and frustrated.
"I'm sorry-"
"We don't have time to chat. We gotta start rehearsing." She cut me off and walked towards the stage. "So, I was planning on once they announce your name, the light dims on you as you're playing You Should Know Where I'm Coming From, and you play the first chorus then the second verse, and then once that is over, your band comes out and you get right into Ain't It Fun and then the models will come out." She informed me, using a bunch of hand motions.
"Alright, what's my back drop going to be?" I asked, looking at the large dark screen on the stage.
"The first song, it was just going to be black, then Ain't It Fun, it'll be clips of the music video, colorful lights, and we're planning on releasing some balloons since you'll be the last act to perform and it won't affect the models."
I shrugged my shoulders. "That seems good." I looked around and all the memories with Camila came back.
When she was walking, I'd walk with her and we would dance and sing the song together. Every time she'd walk by, I'd wink at her and she would roll her eyes and smile afterwards. It was my favorite part of the whole night. Being able to interact with her while she's working was something I missed a lot.
"What's wrong?" Cookie glanced over at me.
I had zoned out and thought about the memories I had with Camila. "I'm fine, just thinking about things." I commented.
"Well I'm going to need you to think up there. We've got to rehearse, we only have a couple hours until the next artist." She motioned me up to the stage where she was at.
The piano had already been out and I took a seat in front of it. Cracking my knuckles and placing my fingers gently on the keys.
You Should Know Where I'm Coming From was written because at first, I was confused about getting with Normani. I was afraid I would hurt her and the first lyrics were basically a warning. I was basically saying it may be difficult to love me because of the person I am.
As for Ain't It Fun, it's more of a fun, dance along to song, and it's about doing things on your own. It's one of my favorite songs that I've written on the album.
We wanted to perform We Know, but we'd have to get Dinah to fly out here, and I know Normani wouldn't want to sing a break up song with.
The songs were fan picked, and these two were the most popular songs off the album. I just felt a bit weird performing You Should Know Where I'm Coming From because it will be on national television and it may possibly cause controversy.
"Are we going to have the choir come out?" I asked, referring to the gospel singers in Ain't It Fun.
"Ally is looking for some as we speak. If we can't find any, we're just going to use the back track." She answered, scrolling through her phone. "Lauren," she called me, motioning me off stage towards her. "What's this?" She asked once I got closer to her.
She showed me a tabloid that was saying I was a cheater. It showed an unreleased photo of me and Justin and it had been one of Normani's older tweets attached to make it seem like she was shading us.
"Cookie, you know this is a lie." I explained.
"I don't need you to explain anything to me. This will make your sales go down. I'm trying to help you, but you keep getting yourself back in the tabloids." She commented, shaking her head.
"I'm not doing anything to get myself in the tabloids." I said defensively.
"Whatever happened between you and Normani is affecting you the most. There's nothing about her in the tabloids, it's just her being the victim. This is all Scooter tryin-"
"No Cookie," I cut her off, not being able to take all her rambling. "She is the victim and none of this is Scooter." I confessed.
"What are you talking about?"
"Listen, I gotta go." I said.
I left rehearsals and went to go grab some coffee. I search on my phone and there had been multiple tabloids about me. They were all crazy and many of them were lies. But they all focused on me cheating with Normani.
As I read more articles, I tried calling Normani again but no answer. I sighed heavily and called Jilly. Her phone rang a couple of times and then she finally picked up.
"Jilly."
Yes?
"What the fuck did you do?"
You. She chuckled.
"Shut up. Did you spread all these rumors about me?"
Why would I do that? I'm your friend Laur.
"No, no you're not. Why did you lie to Zayn?"
I never even spoke to him. We don't talk.
"Why did he call me last night and tell me that he knows about what happened between me and Normani? He said you told him."
He's lying to you Lauren. Isn't he the one who cheated on you? Why would you believe anything he says? Like you said in your own song. I won't believe a thing you say this time.
"Have you seen these articles?"
What articles?
"About me."
Nope. I have to go, I have an interview to do in a couple seconds.
Before I could get anything else out, she already hung up. This whole situation is odd. Who would be making up these rumors about me? I definitely know it wouldn't be Normani. Zayn could be an option, but why would he call and ask if I was okay? No one really knows what happened between me and Jilly besides her and unfortunately, Normani.
The only thing I want to do is talk to Normani before this situation gets completely out of hand.
The past couple of days, rumors about me have been at high. These rumors were completely crazy and I was advised from my management not to say anything because that'll spark fuel to the fire. As much as I wanted to clearly everything up, I didn't want to be at risk of getting my words twisted around. So during interviews I kept my mouth shut.
At the fashion show, walking the red carpet felt just like how it did with Zayn. All these crazy paparazzi's telling me where to look and interviewers asking questions, making everything so overwhelming. I haven't been this overwhelmed in a while and I was hoping I would never be this overwhelmed again. I just have to pull through and get through it.
I sat backstage and watched the show and many models complimented me on the album.
It was time for intermission and then the next performer was getting readying to go on stage. I warmed up my voice since I was going to go in a few, and as I was warming up, a familiar face came up to me.
"Hey Lauren," The curly blonde greeted me with a small wave and little smile.
"Hi Tori. How've you been?" I asked, putting my cup of tea down on the glass table in front of me.
"Good. I just wanted to congratulate you on the success of your album. It's really good." She complimented me, taking a seat down next to me with her guitar in her hand.
"Thank you," I smiled. "Are you performing next?" I asked her, since she was already dressed.
"Well, not right now, but after this performer. They squeezed her in." She informed me. "Which gives me more time to practice." She laughed lightly.
"That's good. What are you performing?" I asked her nonchalantly.
"Should've Been Us."
I got quiet since that was a song she wrote about me once we broke up. It blew up but it also put a bad image on me as well. But I knew that wasn't her intentions, it was just people making assumptions.
"But, I came up with this song earlier today, I just need to add lyrics to it." She started strumming and it was really good. I liked it and I started humming a melody until I came up with some words.
"You are the only exception." I repeated, and she sang along as well.
"It's so crazy how you come up with song lyrics that quickly," She chuckled as the notes stopped playing.
"My mind is just running right now." I commented, shrugging my shoulders.
"I also came up with this one too," She stated, playing new notes.
We came up with lyrics after we found a melody and we squashed it together. It took us about five minutes to come up lyrics for both songs. We were going to continue until she had go do an interview. She suggested that tonight we go to the studio and finish them. I agreed since I knew that would a good thing for me to do, and just get things off my chest. Rather than going out to a party.
I went back to watching the fashion show, and my heart dropped. Normani was the performer they squeezed in, and wow, she looked amazing. Her hair was straight and went down all the way to her stomach, black tight jeans, mesh white shirt showing off the black bra she had on underneath, and topping it all, a leather jacket.
"You're drooling." Cookie said, shutting my mouth with the palm of her hand.
I blinked a couple of times, and ran my fingers through my hair. "Is it just me or did she get hotter?"
"You're love struck. I'm going to need you to get ready. She's almost done performing and you're not even dressed." She complained.
I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Cookie, you're acting like it's the end of the world. Chill. I know what I have to do. You don't have to worry about it. Everything will go fine." I said, placing my hand on her shoulder and smiling at her.
She gave me an annoyed look and I laughed and rushed to my dressing room to change. I looked at myself in the mirror and gave myself a quick prep talk just to calm my nerves. Afterwards, I exhaled deeply and left the dressing room.
As I waited side stage, Normani had caught my eye and I watched as she rushed off stage and headed to her dressing room. I wanted to call her name, but she was too far away.
I was motioned to the piano as the lights were dark, so when the commercial break was over, the lights could dim on me.
I played the first notes of the song and got right into it. What was so ironic was that I wrote this song for Normani and now she's probably watching me perform it. Knowing that she was possibly watching this performance made everything more emotional. Luckily, I only performed the chorus and the second verse.
I got right into Ain't It Fun and everyone cheered. The models walked the stage and I laughed watching them dance along to the song. Balloons fell and confetti at the end of the show. The cheers were loud and it was shocking to get such a good reaction especially after knowing what happened this week.
After the show, I went to my dressing room and changed. As I left, I saw Normani standing at the snack bar with her friend, and maybe talking to her now would be a good idea.
I approached the dark haired girl and her and her friend got silent. Her friend excused herself, and Normani arched her brow at me.
"I just want to talk to you." I told her.
She sighed and rolled her eyes. She pulled on my wrist and led me to her dressing room. "So people don't bother us. What do you want?" She said harshly.
"Well, I want you, but I know that'll never happen. I just wanted to say I'm sorry." I said sadly.
"I don't know how you could do something like that to me? After I helped you with everything, I was the shoulder you cried on, but it's like you didn't care. I did all that just for you to hook up with my best friend." She vented.
"You have every right to be angry at me," I replied. "But what Jilly told me frustrated me."
She furrowed her brows and tilted her head, crossing her arms over her chest. "What are you talking about what she told you? What she told me hurt me."
"So you're saying saying that me being just a hook up didn't hurt me?" I questioned recalling from what Jilly told me.
"I never said that! You're the one who said you weren't planning on being with me!" She shot back.
I furrowed my brows and shook my head. "When did I say that?"
"That's what Jilly told me, and you had enough sense to have sex with her on my couch!" She raised her voice, adding a light chuckle at the end. "You know, everyone warned me about you. I should've listened to them."
She tried leaving but I tugged on her wrist, turning her around. "First of all, it wasn't your couch. Second, Jilly is lying to you. She's lying to everyone. She told Zayn that we fought almost everyday, and then she's telling me that she never said any of that to him."
Normani looked me in the eyes, narrowing her eyes at me, looking at me intently. "I would never lie to you Normani." I told her softly.
She frowned and looked away. "She said that?"
I nodded my head. "She's making up lies. If you want to know the truth I'll tell you right now."
"What really happened?"
I took a deep breath before telling her. I was expecting her to say that she didn't want to here it, but she wants too. It's not a problem since I wanted to tell her in the first place, I just feel terrible about the whole situation.
"Well, Jilly met me for dinner and then said she heard about us through you, and I asked what did she hear, then she said that we were just 'hooking up'. When I heard that, I was pissed, but my intention was not to hurt you at all. I was planning on talking to you, but I was so angry, Jilly offered me a drink, and you know how I get." I paused, looking down to see that we were still holding hands. I looked up and smiled sadly. "And I'm not using that as an excuse. I should've been smarter about my decisions. Then, we went to her place and that's when everything happened." I told her, finally getting it off my chest and weeks.
She didn't say anything, but the look in her eyes did. She was hurt all because of my actions. Nothing was supposed to be intentional. I don't know why I chose to hook up with Jilly, well I do, but only because I was mad. That shouldn't have been an option. What I should've done was talk to Normani. Get the really truth from her, rather than Jilly.
"The next day, I felt horrible. That day you told me you were in love with me. After me thinking we were just a hook up. I've never felt so terrible in my life before." I added on.
There was a silence between us, and Normani smiled sadly at me. "Look Lauren, you've done a lot to hurt me. I'm not going to lie, I think about you all the time. Throughout my day. I'm still in love with you." She said.
"And I've been in love with you and I'll never stop being in love with you." I commented, picking up her other hand and holding it.
"I appreciate that, but I think it's best if we remain neutral." She announced, releasing her hand from mine.
Hearing that made me ache ten times worse than I was expecting. I knew that would be the outcome, but I wasn't expecting for it to hurt this much.
"Like friends, right?" I affirmed, raising my brows.
"No Lauren, I'm saying for us to give each other some space. I need time to reflect. Time to myself. I've made so much time for you, I barely know who I am anymore. I don't want to be this love sick person. I can't live my life knowing that it's over between us and knowing that you hurt me. I mean this out of complete respect. I'm not aiming to be rude, but truthfully. This hurts me as much as it hurts you."
She was right, it hurt me as much as it hurt her. Everything she was saying made it feel like my world was coming to an end, and that I was just slowly falling through a black hole. I screwed up big time, and I deserve this.
"I'm sorry." She added on, letting go of my hands and heading out the dressing room.
There I stood, hopeless, lost, and incomplete. Watching her walk out on me for good and knowing there's no way she'll comeback to me. First Camila, then Normani. Two of the most important people in my life are gone.