Aaron
Sorry for everything...
I was in my room about 2 am on a Saturday morning since I couldn't sleep, I decided to text Aaron a note. The text read "sorry for everything..."
This is exactly what it said:
"Dear Aaron,
I'm sorry for everything! I'm sorry for all of those times I was being a bitch, for every time I joked with you and you got mad, everything little thing I do that bothers, I'm sorry for everything in between. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner but we can't be together anymore. Every damn time we do something I fuck it up and it's impossible to love a fuck up and that's exactly what I am, so I'm sorry. I love you so much and I doubt I will ever stop but I know you don't want to be seen with me, I know you secretly hate me like everyone else, I know you're lying when you say you love me, I'm used to people doing that... I'm sorry I even came in your life because I'm better off dead and you're better off without me. I just can't keep holding you back when I know you have way more potential than being with me, I'm sorry for everything. I know I apologize a lot and I know that makes you mad, I'm sorry but I can't keep struggling and holding you back... I love you! Goodbye."
I quickly hit send before throwing my phone, yes I still loved Aaron but I knew that the hate was going to get worse, I knew that I was worthless and if anymore of what the fans said was put in my head even more than it already is I would've been dead a while ago. Tonight was different though, I wanted to die. I didn't care if suicide was a selfish way of dying it seemed like the only option I had left... I quickly went to grab my razor, my gun, some rope, some sleeping pills, and some alcohol before going back into my room and shutting my door. I decided that if tonight was my last night then I would make the best of it, I chugged the first of nine bottles of vodka, then I made several cuts on my wrists. I just stared down at the blood blankly, pain doesn't really phase me anymore and all I could do is look at the blood as it spilled out of the various cuts. I didn't bother to clean it up since by morning I would be gone. As I started chugging my second of vodka I hear my phone being blown up like crazy, it was all of the guys. Three from Cam, five from Nash, seven from Hayes, two from Carter, nine from Matt, five from Tay, eight from both of the Jacks', four from Shawn, and twenty texts from Aaron and six calls. Wow they really care but I can't answer any of them I want to die and they aren't gonna stop me, I kept chugging he bottles I had four down and five to go I decided to tie up a rope in my closet just in case, I put the gun next to me, the sleeping pills were mixed with the last two bottles of vodka. I was crying from my emotional drunk state, I didn't even notice Aaron and the guys standing by my side staring at everything and anything. I just sat there crying, no one said a word everyone was just crying. I finally spoke "Why are you guys here?", "We care, how could you do this?" Hayes said stuttering every once in a while. "I don't want to do it anymore, I love you guys and you're all I have left. You all would be better off if I died." I replied crying. Aaron just stood there crying harder than anyone else... He finally said "I love you, how could you do this? I need you, you know that. I can't even try to comprehend what happened... Was it the hate? Am I not good enough? Is this my fault?" He asked crying and dropping to the floor. "It's the hate I can't do it anymore Aaron, I can't do anything. I go to work, come home, and sleep. I rarely even see you anymore, I need you. I've been through so much I can't do it on my own again. The first 13 years of my life I was by myself, my mom almost let me die. She was only in it for the money she doesn't give a fuck about me!" I practically shouted before grabbing the gun and running to the bathroom, I locked the door. Everyone ran after me screaming for me to get out because I'm "worth" it. I screamed "I love you guys, good-bye. I'm sorry that I don't mean anything. I'm a waist of space, just let me die. Good-bye don't forget about me!" Before pulling the trigger. *bang* I was dead and the last thing I saw before I saw white was the boys sitting around me crying and calling the cops.
Aaron's p.o.v:
She's gone. She's really gone. Her funeral is in a week, but I still can't believe that she's gone. She was everything to me and now she's gone. I haven't ate or slept in days, I refuse to, I don't even know if I can go to her funeral. I can't say good-bye, she told me "never say good-bye, good-bye means forgetting and I don't want to be forgotten" in her own words, she loved Peter Pan and she was my lost girl. Matt and Taylor have been staying with me since I've been so shocked up lately, I fucking lost her. All I have been saying lately is "she's fucking gone". I made a post on Twitter after she died saying "She's really gone, she died. She is gone for good. All because people can't be happy for us, now she's dead. She's really fucking gone." I just can't want to believe that she's gone when I know it's my fault partially.
*skip to the funeral*
Today is the day, all of the boys will be there. Everyone is wearing blue, her favorite color. All of her favorite songs played, everything was just how I wanted it to be when we were older, not now. I couldn't even go up to her casket because I couldn't bare seeing her cold dead body, when I know my baby girl is dead because of me. "It's almost over you might want to go say good-bye sweetheart, or you'll regret it." My mom told me. I guess she's right. I slowly walked up to her casket while crying so much, I could barely stand when I saw her. She was so pale and cold, she looked sick, she looked like she was in so much pain, her hair had to cover the bullet hole... I just can't believe she's really gone. I didn't even let any fans in, a few tried to sneak in but I made police stand outside so no one could interfere. As the closed her casket about half an hour into me crying my eyes out, I said "I'm sorry for everything" . They buried her and I promised that everyday after that I would come and see her. My mom made me leave, but I kept my promise and visited her everyday but every time I left I would whisper "I'm sorry for everything baby girl"