XXV. SEVEN SECONDS
At night Mariam slept soundly. Fleya was asleep too. But Emi could not sleep at all. She was quietly crying and lying motionless. In her mind, an enormous knot of thoughts was slowly tangling:
“I can smell wood. I feel a little warm. Will I really soon stop feeling anything at all? Is this truly the end? Will everything really end so quickly and strangely? And what will I feel in the moment when I am no longer in a soft bed, but in a place where nothing can ever be changed again? And what will happen tomorrow? The whole world, just like millions of years before, will wake up, there will be the sun, there will be the smell of wood and a little warmth, there will be the quiet hum of a heater, there will be a flickering dim lamp, and someone may no longer exist. Mariam will exist, Fleya will exist, and someone may no longer exist. Is that really true? But I’m not stupid enough to do that… Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up in this bed again, and Mariam will be making me breakfast? For some reason I imagine that and think that for the sake of that moment I might even want to live a little longer. But then I remember how it will actually be: after that breakfast Mariam will leave and return in the evening, and the disfigured Fleya, whom I myself crippled, will be lying next to me, reminding me what a monster I am. Am I really a monster? I constantly played with other people’s feelings, used those around me so they would comfort and soothe me, and then I throw them away like useless objects. Only Mariam I don’t throw away, probably because I truly love her. Am I a monster? Probably yes, and also a fool. Although… is Fleya really my victim? I’m not guilty of the fact that she wanted it, but I could have stopped her, taken her, talked her out of it, grabbed her and never let her go anywhere ever again! I have no reason left to live. I will never again have smiling Mariam, never again gentle sweet Fleya, tall, glowing, with huge wings, I will never see Sophie again… I loved her too, and I will never see Salome either, and she is so pretty, even though I was very jealous of her, I will never hear my parents and brothers again, I will never kiss the puppy in their house, who is probably already grown up, I will never draw a single house or city again, I will never sing a single song, I will never travel to countless countries of this vast planet, I will never see cherry blossoms in Japan, or a thousand-year-old European castle standing, I will never feel the cold sea breeze, and I will never see the distant endless ocean. But there will be no more endless suffering, emotional pain, jealousy, hatred, love, self-hatred, I will no longer feel guilty, wrong, abandoned, broken, hopeless, fundamentally undeserving of existence! I will not… no, I will not do it, I am only thinking, I am not flying, everything can still be changed… I can go to sleep now and everything will still exist: cherry blossom, Mariam, self-hatred, and guilt… Or I can not go to sleep.”
Emi sat up, felt heaviness in her head, pain and darkness in her eyes. “Of course, I’ve been lying down so long… I need to at least wake myself up a bit.” She looked at Fleya with the thought: “Oh, what have you done…” She went downstairs, entered the kitchen and drank a glass of water. “I never noticed what water tastes like. It’s so cold and fresh! I should remember this, maybe it’s the very last time?” She walked into the living room, which was very dark, and looked at Mariam’s sleeping silhouette: “If I really do this… I won’t even be able to say goodbye to her. Maybe I’m seeing her for the last time too? And she’s so beautiful, even though in the dark I can barely see anything. I want to touch her hand. I just hope she doesn’t wake up and see me! I look horrible!”
Emi gently touched Mariam’s hand, and Mariam turned over in her sleep. Emi flinched in fear. She returned to the room, sat at the table, took a blank sheet of paper and began writing:
“Dear ones,
If you are reading this letter, it means I am no longer here…”
Emi was shaken: “That’s it. Now I’m closer… Before I only thought about it, and now I’ve written it on paper for the first time…”
Emi continued the letter:
“Please don’t blame anyone. I loved everyone, but I couldn’t. I think this will make it easier for me. I was a very bad person. Don’t be sad.
Goodbye!
Emi”
With each written word, her hands shook more and more and her head rang louder. “This is horrible. Just two days ago I couldn’t even think of this… although no, I’ve had these thoughts for a long time, but I didn’t think it would happen so suddenly and so fast. Well, it’s time to get ready, I guess. Farewell!”
Emi stood up, pulled on her pants and put on her jacket. “I should at least kiss Fleya one last time…”
Emi left. She looked back at the house, standing alone in the darkness, and walked upward. “I will reach the very top again.” She made her way through steep climbs and dense thickets. It was pouring rain. Emi was soaked completely, from head to toe. It was cold too, and so fresh. “How much, how much! I can’t take it anymore… I’m so tired, maybe I should go back?”
Emi arrived. “I’m in this place again. The first time I was here was three months ago, when Mariam invited Elvin, and I felt crushed. Back then I didn’t want to jump. I was just very sad and wanted to sit for a while. That day I met Fleya.” Emi moved closer to the edge, then even closer, then a little more, and finally dangled her legs over the abyss.
“How scary! God, how scary! Lord have mercy! I never believed in God, but this view makes me pray!.. The end. This slope, this rocky cliff—this is probably the last thing I will ever see. I want to live. Maybe I even loved this life. Maybe I wouldn’t even do this, but it’s too late now. I trusted my body, it brought me here itself, so it must be right. But it’s so scary! God, so scary! I wonder how long I will torment myself? Will I jump now or sit here another hour or two? Or stay until dawn? I wonder if I will die instantly or not? Probably instantly. Vakhtang died instantly, he fell from here too. Fine. Pull yourself together. Pull yourself together! There’s no point delaying anymore!”
Emi fell and plunged down. “Please don’t let me die!”—those were the five words that managed to appear in her mind during the fall. And Emi’s wish did not come true.
Seven seconds—that is how long her fall lasted, from the moment she left the ground until she hit the stone and shattered. Seven seconds it took Emi to die, six hundred and twenty million seconds to live, and infinity to be dead.
The heavy rain soon stopped.
The next morning was unusually sunny. Mariam was still sleeping peacefully, and she was dreaming of Emi. She dreamed that they were walking together through a lush summer forest. Mariam suddenly woke up from loud screams.
“Strange,” she thought. “Is that Fleya?”
Mariam ran up the stairs into the room, naked. The door was open, and Fleya was sitting inside. “Why is Fleya screaming and crying so much, while Emi is still asleep and not making a single sound?” Mariam wondered. She walked to the table and saw a letter:
“Dear ones,
If you are reading this letter, it means I am no longer here. Please do not blame anyone. I loved everyone, but I couldn’t. I think this will make it easier for me. I was a very bad person. Don’t be sad.
Goodbye!
Emi”
With every word Mariam read, tears began to well up in her eyes, while Fleya started screaming even louder:
“A-ah! A-ahh!! A-ahhh!!! Why? Why-yyy???”
Mariam looked at Emi’s mattress and saw only a crumpled blanket. No one was there.
“This can’t be…” Mariam thought. “This can’t be!”
She walked to the window, stared outside with an empty gaze, then turned toward Fleya and began screaming. Mariam screamed as loudly as she had ever screamed in her life:
“Emi! Emi-i-i! A-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha… A-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha… Emi, what have you done?! A-ah-ha-ha… Emi-i-i, my poor one, no-o-o!”
Mariam and Fleya spent the entire day together. They screamed, cried, and wept together.
Only by evening did everyone learn about the horrifying and chilling death. Emi’s mother and father, who had barely seen their daughter after she left, never recovered from the grief for the rest of their lives. In old age they remained together and every year cried at their daughter’s grave on her birthday, sometimes visiting her on ordinary days as well. As a child, Emi adored squirrels and always melted with joy when she saw them, even in books, and in the petting zoo she loved, she would always run first to the squirrels and reach out her hand to them. Emi’s parents adopted a domestic squirrel, beloved by her younger brothers, and named it Emi in honor of their daughter.
At the university, everything became eerily quiet and empty. Until the end of the year, a stand remained in the hallway with Emi’s photograph and sheets displaying her work: a reconstruction of a grand castle she was most proud of; a medieval Gothic church; a modern townhouse; and a brutalist house. Below it was written:
“In February 2026, we lost a second-year student, Bartō Emilia. Emi was a bright and incredibly talented girl with intelligent eyes and a great love for her craft. We all expected a brilliant future for her. She seemed to light up when working on projects, and every time professors noted her excellent results not only in technical execution but also in creative expression. We also remember Emi for her curiosity, her interesting and precise questions, and her presentations and reports in which she revealed herself at her best. We also note the success of the music group ‘ANGELIC KISS,’ loved by many of our students, in which Emi was the vocalist. Emi had a unique charm. She can never be replaced. It is deeply tragic that such a wonderful life ended at nineteen. We will miss you dearly!
Administration and faculty of the International Architecture Academy.”
Only late at night, after slightly coming to herself, Mariam picked up her phone. She had heard that someone had been calling and texting her, but she hadn’t looked or answered all day. There were many missed calls and messages from Salome:
— Mariam (09:20)
let’s meet today (09:21)
hi, are you busy? (13:45)
Mariam? (16:02)
are you okay? (16:02)
please answer I’m worried! (16:03)
okay, maybe you’re busy, performing or just tired. I’m going to church with my aunt and sisters, it’s Easter today. Text me when you can, I’ll be waiting! (18:34)
Mariam first called Salome and, with a trembling voice, told her:
— Emi… Emi died today…
Before the call, Mariam had stepped away, but the moment she had to say those words out loud, she was overwhelmed again, and the veil of tears that instantly filled her eyes almost blinded her.
— How did she die? — Salome was horrified.
— This morning, she fell from a mountain… Come to the funeral on Tuesday.
— Oh God… How can this be?
Salome hung up.
Mariam again broke down in grief; she could no longer bear hearing Salome’s voice, she could not hear anyone at all. Mariam wrote to Sophie that Emi had died and informed her of the funeral date. Sophie read it but did not reply. She, like everyone else connected to Emi’s fate, was frozen in horror.
Mariam opened Instagram and posted her mourning on the band’s account. It was a black-background post:
“Today we lost Emi.
She was the best.
‘ANGELIC KISS’ will no longer exist.
The farewell to Emi will take place on February 24th.”
But by that time, the news had already been picked up by the local press: posts claimed that Emi had committed suicide. Mariam’s account was already receiving many messages: among hundreds of “my condolences,” “so sad,” “RIP,” “she was a legend,” she found one comment:
“This is your fault Emi died. You could have helped her and prevented it. Murderer.”
Mariam threw her phone against the wall, and it shattered into pieces. “And it’s true…” she thought. “I could have helped.”
Mariam decided to stay in Emi’s room and lie on her bed. She quickly fell asleep, and again she dreamed of Emi: how they rode the metro together, then walked through the city and talked about something, and then she noticed that Emi was flying, and wings had appeared on her back. Mariam asked: “Hey, is it okay that I’m talking to an angel?” And Emi replied: “It’s okay! No one here can see or hear me.” Mariam woke up many times in the morning, covered in saliva and with ringing in her ears, and fell asleep again and again.
She finally got up only by noon. The room was bright, hot, and empty. Mariam finally forced herself to stand and limped to the bathroom: she had been sweating heavily all the previous day without washing, and she had already started to smell. She hadn’t eaten anything all day either, so in the kitchen she decided to stuff her stomach with whatever she could find. Mariam returned to the room again. “Such beautiful weather…” she thought. “I wish I could go outside right now. But I can’t, I’ll throw up. Everything smells like death to me now.” She sat down on the mattress again, and Fleya turned toward her.
— Mariam, — she said. — Thank you for everything. Living with you in this house brought me so much happiness, but also so much suffering… I will leave, this story is over. It will be too painful for me to stay here. Maybe in a hundred years I will love someone again, but right now my heart is shattered into a thousand pieces. Goodbye!
— And that’s it? — Mariam asked in surprise. — You’re leaving? Then bye.
Fleya left the house and headed toward the mountain, toward the church where she had once lived. On the way, she passed the place where Emi had jumped from, but the body was no longer there, and the puddle had been washed away. Fleya didn’t understand anything. And Mariam was left completely alone. She went down to her room, sat on the sofa, and lit a cigarette.
On February 24th, Mariam and Salome went by taxi to the funeral. They were dressed entirely in black, their hair covered with scarves, and they remained silent the entire ride.
That day, at the cemetery, a crowd of at least a thousand people gathered, most of them fans. Many wore ordinary bright clothes, making noise and talking loudly.
— This is the last concert of “ANGELIC KISS…” — said one boy.
— Yeah…
“If you feel the pain,
You’ll never be the same…” — his girlfriend replied. — It’s so sad. It breaks my heart.
— May she rest in peace.
Closest to the procession stood Emi’s parents, then Mariam, Salome, and Sophie. They were all crying.
The bearded priest read the final prayer:
“In repose, O Lord, receive the soul of Your departed servant Emilia,
And forgive all her sins, voluntary and involuntary,
And grant her the Kingdom of Heaven.”
The gravediggers lowered the coffin into the ground. Emi was buried in a closed coffin, without being shown to her loved ones.
— I’m sorry… — Sophie said, kissing the ground.
— We couldn’t save her!.. We couldn’t save her!.. — the mother and father cried.
The following night, from Friday to Saturday, of course, a nightclub opened in Samgori, where “ANGELIC KISS” had always been regular guests. The dance floor, as usual, was bursting—people danced and jumped, everything was playing, from rock to electronic music like “Crystal Castles.” Everyone was living, loving, and enjoying themselves.
One DJ, after finishing his set, announced:
— And now there will be a minute of silence in memory of Emi from “ANGELIC KISS.”
Everyone stopped and fell silent. The atmosphere in the club suddenly became unbearably heavy. After the minute ended, no one danced anymore, and the rest of the performances were ruined. Some people ran off to their homes and parties, where most of them were also very sad, while others gathered in the backyard. Very few people remained inside.
— When Emi died, — someone said in the yard while smoking a joint, — it was like a part of me died too. I mean, nothing changed in the world, everything is the same as before: parties, fun, but with the loss of “ANGELIC KISS” something irreversible disappeared. Did you see someone posted her letter online?
— Yeah, it’s crazy, — his friend replied.
— She wrote there that she was a bad person. You know, after that I feel like I’m losing faith in the world. If Emi thought she was like that… I always saw her here on stage, she always had this inner light. I can’t believe she’s not with us anymore.
— Me neither. “ANGELIC KISS” were so strange, in a good way. They existed for such a short time, but left so much behind… It was one of the few bands that really hit you, that really touched your soul! There was such sincerity in everything they did. The world really lacks that right now!
— Yeah, man.
— By the way, do you know what happened to the others?
— Kristi and Gabi posted their grief online. I saw Gabi somewhere, he’s okay, of course he’s shaken, but he’s holding up. He said his girlfriend is fine too. But Mariam… no one knows, even they don’t know. She hasn’t been seen online anywhere. There were rumors she left somewhere, but no one knows where.
— That’s scary… I hope she comes back soon.