ANGELIC KISS (ENG)

The next morning, the temperature in Tbilisi dropped below freezing and an unbelievable snowstorm began. Everything was being buried under snow. Mariam sat in the kitchen, staring out the window while branches bent by the raging wind battered against the glass. 
“What an awful feeling…” she thought. “After yesterday. Am I really a hypocrite? What am I supposed to do?..” 

Feeling ashamed, she put the kettle on, warmed up some pancakes with jam, and began eating breakfast alone. “I wonder how Salome is doing? I should call her and meet up with her. She’s not at school, is she?” 

Emi walked into the kitchen, and Mariam immediately turned her head toward her. She looked at her silently for a few seconds, then asked: 

— Will you talk to me? I’m still here, I’m still yours… Forgive me one more time. 

“Yours?” Emi thought in confusion. “Am I really yours? Maybe just a tiny fragment of your life… nothing more…” 

— Yeah, you’re right, — she said aloud instead. — Didn’t you struggle too much yesterday dragging them out and cleaning up after them? And I didn’t even help you or thank you!.. Thank you, Mariam! 

— It’s nothing, — Mariam smirked. — Everything’s fine, and I understand why you were upset with me. The important thing is that you forgave me. Honestly, it wasn’t even that hard… I handled it pretty quickly. It’s not my first time throwing drunk idiots out of a house. When I lived with my ex, I had to do it regularly. The only bad thing is that now we don’t have a chandelier anymore — I’ll have to call someone to fix it. I still can’t understand how the hell the idea of hanging from a chandelier even came into his head. You’d have to be seriously wasted to pull something like that. 

— I don’t know what’s going on in his head. But are you sure you still want to be his girlfriend after this? You’re not just going to ignore what he did, are you? 

— I’m not sure. 

— About what? 

— About whether I even want to be with him. By the way, do you want to spend the evening together? What are you doing today? I just haven’t gone out with you much lately — I’ve constantly been busy: Salome, music… We could go to a restaurant or just take a walk. It’s freezing outside, but it’s beautiful. Consider it my apology. You understand… Salome is fourteen, she lost her parents, and she has no support in life except me. I can’t abandon her. But I don’t want us spending less time together either — I want things to go back to how they were! We’ve actually talked a lot about introducing you two properly. She’s really excited and happy about it. And apparently her English isn’t even as bad as she always claimed. She can communicate just fine — shyly, but well enough. To her, Emi, you’re like some kind of cool, untouchable star. 

— Untouchable?.. — Emi widened her eyes in surprise. It always startled her to realize someone could think of her that way. — Anyway, I’ve got classes today, as usual. I’m defending my cultural history project — it’s about Buddhism and its origins. That new subject taught by the auntie who looks like a turtle. 

— Yeah, I remember you telling me. Well, good luck with the turtle. Hopefully she won’t grill you! 

Emi finished eating and went to get ready for class. 

— Alright, bye! I’m running late already. 

Soon there was a knock at the door. Mariam rushed over. 

— Salome! — she shouted, hugging her tightly, clutching the girl’s torn windbreaker with both hands. 

Salome took off her shoes, came inside for a little while, and they drank tea with sweets in the kitchen. 

— So how do you feel about cold weather? — Mariam asked. — The whole winter’s been warm, practically snowless, and now we get this gift. Do you like walking around in freezing weather? 

— I wouldn’t say I love it, but… I’m okay with it, — Salome answered with a smile. 

They went outside and headed toward the upper slope of Mtatsminda through the forest. They stopped among the trees and played around like children: throwing snowballs at each other, running around, Salome even tried climbing a tree. Then she slipped from a small height and ended up lying in the snow, feeling icy cold down the back of her neck. She laughed, and Mariam laughed too. 

— Let’s take a few photos to remember this? — Mariam suggested. 

— Let’s do it! — Salome agreed, pulling out her phone and taking a couple of ridiculous pictures. 

Salome tried telling a story, but she kept failing because she couldn’t stop smiling: 

— So basically, I went to school today… to pick up some paper saying I’m on medical leave. And then she comes up to me… Stop making me laugh, Mariam! She asks, “What, did your mother die or something?” And I immediately snapped at her, told her to shut up and stay out of grief that wasn’t hers. Hey, quit throwing snowballs at me or I’ll hit you back! Anyway, then she says she actually wanted to help me. She held out a hundred lari. At first I refused, like, why would I need money, but eventually I took it. And she’s so weird herself, almost like a holy fool or something. Her dad’s a priest, and she’s always dressed in this black mourning dress, and she constantly smells like church incense. Feels like she practically lives there. 

Mariam listened to all these childish school stories with genuine interest, nodding along and asking questions. 

— Really? Seriously? Wow, good for her! No way! 

— And later these two boys came up to me, — Salome continued. — That bald guy I told you about before, and his friend — they’re in ninth grade, I think. They said, “Give us money for beer, we know you’ve got some.” I told them to screw off. Then they said they wanted to drink “for ANGELIC KISS, for emo culture in our neighborhood.” I asked how they even knew about you. And you guys aren’t even emos… 

— They were joking, — Mariam replied. — Definitely joking. 

They reached the top, not far from the church, then turned around and started heading back down. 

— Let’s go back before we freeze? We can hang out at my place some more, even all day if you want, — Mariam suggested. 

An hour later, when they were already sitting in the living room at home, the atmosphere no longer felt so cheerful and naive. Mariam was crying, clutching her face tightly in her hands. 

— No! No! Fucking hell! Please, help me — what am I supposed to do with him? 

Salome sat there awkwardly, wanting somehow to help her, and so she began hugging and stroking her the way Mariam herself once used to do — with those same hands that still carried a red, wet wound and many unhealed scars. 

“Her habit,” Salome thought. “She always strokes me like this.” 

Salome took her wrist, and Mariam immediately straightened up, looked at her through tears with a tender, affectionate gaze, and leaned against her. 

— Thank you, thank you, — she kept whispering. — You’re so good… You know, I’m so ashamed! Yeah, I’ll definitely have to leave him, I already understood that before — I just didn’t understand what the best way would be. After the stunt he pulled, I had no other choice except to do it now. I can’t stay with him. Yesterday there were syringes scattered all over the floor — it’s simply unsafe for Emi. Honestly, those weren’t even really a relationship, more like some misunderstanding, mutual confusion. I never denied it, but I never said I loved him either, or that I wanted to be with him… as a couple. I guess that’s how it was. He asked me, “Do I have a chance?” and I answered, “You do.” Just two words… But I used him. I slept with him for money and fame — do you understand how filthy that makes me? I could’ve ended everything immediately, before it even began. That would’ve been the honest and right thing to do, but I… I… I’m a selfish idiot! I hate myself! I hate myself! 

Salome nervously stroked her, trying to calm her down. 

— What are you talking about? You’re not selfish idiot at all! You’re very kind, you’re wonderful, Mariam. If only you knew what a good person you really are. You’ve stained everything about yourself with those words — it’s slander, it’s not true! Even if you made a mistake, one mistake, you shouldn’t blame yourself so much. Everything between you was consensual. You’re not guilty of anything — he is! He’s the one who can be blamed, not you! 

— Thank you… I know I’m not like that. I’d like to believe it. You know, nobody’s perfect. Everyone has skeletons in their closet — I talked to Emi recently and realized that. Maybe I should forgive myself. It just hurts inside. My chest aches all the time! I can’t do this anymore, I’m exhausted! I wake up every morning in a cold sweat, shaking, with this feeling that I’m guilty, that I’ve done something horrible… something unforgivable. Emotional pain is this feeling… when you become cold, when your whole body trembles, and inside it feels like everything is tightening. I only recently understood what that really means. Before, when I felt bad, it didn’t hurt. I could cry, scream, tear at my own skin, punch walls and objects, but I never felt anything except anger or resentment toward some situation or specific people. But now every painful experience feels like an open wound in my heart. 

Salome listened carefully, lost in thought. 

— The first time I felt something like that, I think I was about seven, — she said. — Our downstairs neighbors back then — old people, though different people live there now — had a cat. She was fat and ginger with black spots. Very affectionate. I used to hug her all the time, carry her around, even kiss her, even though she had Fleyas. One day I saw her lying dead in the road… That’s when I felt it. What you described. Like everything inside suddenly tightens. 

Mariam looked sadly somewhere into the distance. 

— I hope she’s in a better world. All cats go to heaven. 

That day, which already felt like evening because of how dim the house was, became especially quiet. Mariam and Salome did not chatter endlessly like usual. They spent long stretches in silence, cried a lot, comforted each other simply by staying close together. 

Eventually Mariam texted Vazha: 

“Hi. I’m sorry, but we’ll have to end everything between us. I acted badly by not deciding earlier that there could never be anything between us except cooperation. But you also could’ve avoided doing all that insane shit in my house — we could’ve talked like normal people instead of ending up here. I’m just too angry right now. You did an enormous amount for us. You pulled our band up, and I’m not going to diminish what you did. I’ll even leave aside the fact that you tried to use all of this to win me over — I just want to sincerely thank you for everything. Honestly, you are a great guy in your own way. At least you’re sincere, funny, charismatic — that’s your strength. And I’ll admit, there were moments when I almost wanted to tell you that I loved you. Bye. Safe travels. Maybe we’ll run into each other again someday in Berlin or at some party in our club.” 

The three of them went out together, one after another. Outside it was already pitch dark, and snow was still drifting down from the sky, crunching pleasantly beneath their feet. They had barely turned and started walking downhill when Salome’s aunt appeared from around the corner. 

— Hey, hey, where do you think you’re going? Home! Enough wandering around! — she stopped them. 

— What’s with you, aunt? What are you even doing here? — Salome asked in surprise. 

— I know perfectly well you’re in that house whenever you disappear. Come on, go study your lessons, school’s tomorrow already. 

— On Monday. 

— Tomorrow! Stop fooling around. Mariko’s going too. Come on, come on! 

— Our mother died, actually. 

— She died last Friday, and tomorrow’s another Friday already. A whole week’s passed, stop dragging it out. 

— God, you’re heartless! Fine, I’ll walk around a little longer and come back. 

— Not long! — her aunt shouted before heading back uphill. 

Mariam made a pitiful face and shrugged. 

— She’s not my mother, — Salome objected, — and definitely not my father. She doesn’t really care. She’ll grumble a bit and go back to watching her TV dramas. Though it is strange she even came here at all. 

— I wonder how she knew you were here, — Emi said, surprised. 

— Ah, you probably still aren’t used to neighborhoods like this one, — Mariam replied. — Here everyone knows everything about everyone. Maybe we don’t notice because we only moved here half a year ago, and we don’t care about local gossip anyway, but still… Salome went on one walk with me once, and now everyone at her school talks about me — teachers, students, random people who’ve lived here their whole lives and have nothing better to do… Shall we go to the pizzeria? 

— Maybe somewhere else? Somewhere you can sit down and disappear into the background? That pizzeria is too cramped. You can’t even breathe there without people noticing. 

— Alright then, let’s walk down to the avenue and look around. 

— What about that bar, — Salome suggested, — the one we went to recently? 

Emi looked around in confusion. 

— Which one? — Mariam asked. — Ah, the one under the bridge? “Revolution?” 

— Yeah. 

— Let’s go! 

They descended into a dark, damp underground passage crowded with drunk groups, street musicians, and graffiti covering every wall. They pulled open a heavy red iron door and entered the bar. 

There weren’t many people inside, and the musicians were playing so loudly and energetically it felt like even the walls themselves were swaying with the music. A young political punk-rock band was performing — not quite as young as “ANGELIC KISS,” though. They sang: 

“Goodbye, our dictator, goodbye!” 

When the vocal section ended, the frontman — a tall Russian guy in a white T-shirt reading “Fuck Putin,” with long shaggy hair and an unkempt beard — lowered the microphone, walked over to Mariam and Emi to greet them, and shook their hands. 

— Oh, you guys are here too? — he said in surprise. — So how was Berlin? All of Tbilisi watched your livestream. 

— We finished early, didn’t play the full set, — Mariam answered. — But overall it went well. We won the German competition — well, technically not the whole band, just Emi as the vocalist. 

— Congratulations! — he said, turning toward Emi. — Alright then, see you around, I’ve gotta get back on stage! 

A new song started, and it immediately became deafeningly loud again. They tried to talk by shouting over the music: 

— So? Do you like it here? Wanna stay? — Mariam asked. 

— Let’s stay! — Salome replied. 

— I wonder if anyone can even hear us? I almost tore my throat apart trying to talk! 

— The important thing is that I can hear you! And you can hear me! 

Mariam got up from the table and waved a hand in front of her face. 

— Emi, want a beer? 

— Can I get a cocktail instead? 

— Salome, what about you? I know you’re fourteen, but you shouldn’t feel left out! 

Salome hesitated. 

“Alcohol? I’ve never tried it in my life… should I even do it? Ah, whatever!” 

— Yeah, get me something too! — she shouted. 

The three of them got drunk and eventually decided to leave the bar because they wanted to actually talk. 

— Listen! — Salome began in drunken English, stumbling as she walked across the bridge. — Life is this thing that exists today and is gone tomorrow. Today you have everything, the whole world — tomorrow nothing, or the opposite. The most important thing… ah, screw all that, the most important thing is good friends! Thank you for us being together! Emi, we’re friends now too, right? You don’t think I’m stupid? 

— No, what are you talking about? — Emi reassured her; the alcohol had affected her less. — Of course not, of course we are! 

— Stupid? — Mariam laughed. — Now that’s something I’ve never heard before. Says the girl who was reading Dostoevsky at eleven years old? 

— Well, what else are you supposed to do when your parents lock you at home and you don’t have friends? Out of boredom you can end up reading anything, — Salome replied. 

— Look at the moon over there! Red! It looks like Mars, it’s so beautiful! 

Salome and Emi tilted their heads upward. 

— It’s… like a heart, — Salome whispered in awe, when suddenly she collapsed onto the asphalt and screamed. — Ahhh! I’m scared! 

Emi stopped in alarm, while Mariam immediately crouched beside Salome and held her. 

— Don’t be afraid, everything will be okay, we love you… — she soothed her, stroking her back. 

— I’m scared that everything in this life will fall apart, that nothing will ever be the same again… I was broken until one day I accidentally ran into you near the house. It hasn’t even been a month, but something changed since then. I started feeling like a real person. Someone entered my shitty little world, someone tried to reach out a hand and make my life just a little better. I’m happy. But what if all of this is just an illusion, and I’m simply incapable of ever having a happy life? 

Mariam stared deeply into her eyes. 

— What are you talking about? Of course that’s not true! We’re all good, complete people who deserve happiness. And you most of all. Do you hear me? — Mariam lifted her nose with a finger. — You most of all! 

Salome couldn’t hold back anymore and smiled broadly again. 

“She’s like a drug to me,” she thought. 

Emi stepped aside. Her phone started ringing. She saw Fleya’s name on the screen and flinched. 

“Could it be? Am I about to hear a doctor’s voice telling me it’s over?” 

Gathering her courage, she answered: 

— Fleya? 

— Emi, hi. I’m home. 

— You’re home? How did you… 

— I did everything I could and took a flight to Tbilisi. Barely remembered the address. 

— Everything you could? Does that mean you became human now? An ordinary mortal? 

An awkward silence hung over the call. 

— Are you coming home soon? 

— Yeah, I’m out walking with Mariam and Salome. 

— Salome? 

— Ah, right, you don’t know her. Alright, see you soon! 

With her heart pounding wildly, Emi ended the call and turned toward Mariam, wanting to say at least something to her.