ANGELIC KISS (ENG)

“For these two weeks, a lot had changed,” Emi recalled. “The streets lit up with New Year’s lights; I successfully defended my semester project for the second time, doing it on my own; ‘ANGELIC KISS’, still unknown to anyone, wrote a couple of songs; Mariam bought a guitar and started giving street performances, and I began to sing. And Mariam was no longer living with us. Shortly after the idea for the band was born, she suggested to me: 

— Emi, you and Sophie are together now, and Elvin and I have been wanting to move in together for a long time. Let’s do it like this: Sophie will come here and take my place sharing the room with you, and I’ll move in with him. I don’t want to pressure you and I’ll understand if you don’t want this. Then we won’t be moving apart and everything will stay as it is. I just want to hear your opinion. 

Her proposal felt like a blow to me, but the kind of blow I had expected in advance, so I was prepared for it. 

Without much thought, I agreed. And I even wanted to live a little with Sophie myself. She settled into the new place quickly and easily: she slept in Mariam’s spot, went to work at “Marfi”, and in the evenings, when we were both free, she would invite me on dates. 

Mariam and I stayed good friends and saw each other several times. Although almost always Elvin was with us too. 

To be honest, it seemed to me that life was much easier for her with Elvin than with me. She could sleep in his arms, be next to him all day, feel calmer. Although she often admitted that she missed our home. If they ever broke up for some reason, I would gladly take her in; we could put in a third mattress or buy a large fold-out bed and live happily together. 

I just felt sorry for Fleya. Recently she said: ‘I don’t understand anymore whether I’m being “taken” or not, whether I belong or not, whether I’m a real friend or a burden…’ Fleya seemed to have started learning to mask her anger, hurt, and jealousy the way humans do.” 

Emi was preparing for her first performance in her life. She waited for that rare moment when no one was home, picked up the microphone, and started warming up: 

“O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o 
If you feel the pain, 
You’ll never be the same, 
O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o 
If you feel the pain, 
You’ll never be the sa-a-ame!” 

First slowly, quietly, then gradually turning into a scream, she repeated it all again, then a third time—until Sophie came back into the room. 

— Hi! Are you rehearsing? 

Emi put the microphone down on the table, shrank slightly, lowered her head, and said: 

— Yeah… I’m almost done. 

— Do you want to sing for me? 

— I’ll try… I’m really nervous. 

Emi tried singing again, but her voice just wouldn’t come out: she kept missing notes, getting nervous, stopping… In the end, she decided to stop and cut the song off halfway. 

— Sorry, it’s too hard for me, — she admitted. 

Sophie looked straight at her, put a hand on her shoulder, and said: 

— Hey, Emi, come on. It’s okay, the main thing is that you already did great. 

— Great? That’s disgusting! I sang so expressively, so emotionally when I was alone, and now… It’s always like this! 

— Just rest well before the performance, and everything will turn out fine. 

— I can’t, I’m insanely ashamed and scared, — Emi said, nervously shifting on the chair. 

— What are you ashamed of, Emi? 

— When I’m alone, I can do things and think I’m the coolest and most talented person. But the moment I have to show myself in front of someone else—everything collapses, I turn into a rag, I start believing I’m useless and terrible, and then that’s exactly how it comes out. I don’t understand how I’m going to sing in front of people tonight! 

In the evening of December 26th, people gathered around one of Tbilisi’s clubs, waiting for the doors to open. Cigarette smoke cut through the freezing air, and fragments of conversation could be heard from all sides of the crowd: 

— Did you hear? Today there’s a performance by a new gothic rock band, “ANGELIC KISS.” 

 
— I wonder who they are. 

 
— I was told it’s Mariam and her friend. 

 
— Mariam? The one from the “Marfi” shop? Who’s the friend? 

 
— I don’t know, we’ll see. I think it’ll be cool! 

Inside, Emi was already standing there, her face flushed red and sweaty from the heat and nerves. She nervously fidgeted with her fingers, fixed her damp hair, and prepared to go on stage for the first time in her life. “I’ve never sung in my life…” she thought. “I didn’t even go to music school as a child. I wonder what will come of this?” 

Next to her stood Mariam, outwardly calm, lightly strumming the guitar. Elvin was tuning the drum kit, and Gabi—whose acid-green spikes gleamed under the stage lights—was holding a bass guitar and staring at a sheet of chords. Fleya was lying along the edge of the stage, watching everyone. 

The performance of “ANGELIC KISS” was scheduled first in the line-up, as the opening act. Soon, people began filling the hall. 

It was Emi’s turn to sing. “At that moment everything felt unreal to me,” she recalled. “I was no longer afraid. I pulled myself together and began: 

“Hey, prince of heart 
Would you like to see my eyes? 
I’m hiding in the bedroom 
Filled with lots of creepy signs 
Please, don’t li-i-ie… 
Would you like to read my mind? 
I am here to make it clear, 
I will be sad until I die! 
— 
O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o 
If you feel the pain, 
You’ll never be the same, 
O-o-o-o-o-o-o-o 
If you feel the pain, 
You’ll never be the sa-a-ame!” 

When the performance ended, Emi, completely numb, ran off the stage, her voice trembling as she asked for a bottle of water. With shaking hands she opened it and drank. 

Different people approached them and Mariam, thanking them for the performance: 

— That performance was so emotional and heartfelt! 

 
— Finally, something fresh for our stage! 

 
— Emi’s slight awkwardness actually worked in her favor, it gave a special charm: it turned out really beautiful when she sang softly and uncertainly at first, then shifted into an expressive scream. 

They went outside and sat on a cobblestone near the wall facing the backyard, where the music of the next bands was still loudly spilling out. Elvin hugged Mariam tightly: 

— You’re so talented… — he praised her. — The most talented girl in the world. 

Sophie leaned against Emi, also praising her: 

— You sang so well, Emi! 

 
— Yeah, I really liked it! — added Fleya. 

 
— Thank you, Sophie and sweet Fleya, — Emi said gratefully. 

At that moment, Gabi came out into the yard. 

— Hey, mate, — Mariam addressed him, — today you were a real hero! 

 
— Thanks, — Gabi took a cigarette out of his mouth. — It was really nice being with you all. 

Mariam ran her hand through his hair and felt the spikes bend and spring back immediately. 

— Cool hairstyle! — she said. 

From inside, romantic melodies could be heard. Elvin grabbed Mariam’s hand and ran back inside with her. They stood against the wall, kissing passionately, occasionally being pushed by people jumping all around. 

Sophie suggested to Emi, “Shall we dance too?” and they both went out. Emi and Sophie danced slowly, gently, and tenderly. Mariam and Elvin didn’t really dance; they kept leaning against the wall, or went off to drink or smoke. 

And Fleya was left alone, unbearably lonely. “I am not human! I am a goddess!” she desperately tried to remind herself. “When Emi dies, I’ll have nothing left to do here. I will die too, and children will play football with my head.” 

She looked at the full moon, shimmering with silver fire, trying to find some answer in it: why was she born like this? 

“I keep remembering Emi’s silky hair and how pleasant it was to stroke,” she said. “More than anything, I wish I could become human. Among the gods there is an unspoken rule: do not interact with humans, and it seems it exists for a reason.” 

Sophie and Emi went outside for a break and saw the saddened Fleya. 

— Hey, Fleya, why so sad? — Emi asked. — Come with us! 

Fleya followed Emi outside. She tried to dance energetically, but it came out clumsy: she kept falling, stumbling over her own feet and getting back up, but what mattered most was that in those moments she was happy again. 

— Fleya, you look so funny when you dance! — Sophie said affectionately. — By the way… where are Mariam and Elvin? I haven’t seen them for an hour. 

Mariam and Elvin were already drunk out of their minds and separated. Mariam met a guy named Vazha. “I only remember his name, and that he’s definitely a drug addict—I could tell from his dilated pupils and erratic behavior,” Mariam recalled. “In my drunken haze I almost gave myself to him in the back toilet stall, but then I remembered: ‘I have a boyfriend!’ And Vazha kept running around asking for my number, which I somehow managed to remember and even say correctly.” 

Elvin was dancing with a thin, pretty boy who kept trying to kiss him. All of this madness continued until three in the morning, until Sophie found first one of them, then the other, and led them to the exit. They sat outside waiting for a taxi. Sophie turned to Mariam and said: 

— We need to talk about work, I have a lot of questions. 

Mariam grabbed her hand, shook it, and said: 

— So-o-ophie! Come on, not now! I’m very, very drunk! 

The next morning Elvin woke up from an erotic dream about a guy he had met the day before. “Ah, I really liked that dream,” he thought, “I wish I could repeat it.” 

Opening his eyes, he saw Mariam in front of him, smiling gently. “Oh no… what am I thinking?” flashed through his mind. 

— Elvin, — Mariam said, — I’m going to Mtatsminda for a bit. I want to check on Emi and Sophie. 

 
— Okay, okay… go ahead, I’ll be waiting. 

The boy lived in the same neighborhood, so Elvin invited him over. He cheated on Mariam right there in her bed, and only afterwards did he start thinking about what he had done. 

“This isn’t cheating,” he reassured himself. “It was with a guy, so it doesn’t count. Besides, I still love Mariam, and those fifteen minutes with him don’t define anything in our relationship.” 

When Mariam entered the old house, she called Sophie aside for a moment. 

— I know you’re very worried, sorry, — she said. 

 
— I’m more worried about you, Mariam. You already understand that we’re running at a huge loss. I was living off inheritance, and the shop was just for my soul, but what are you going to do… Maybe we can fix everything? 

— I don’t want to. I’ll try to make it through with music. 

— It’s not a very reliable path, but… as you wish. Either we do something about it, or we close down. It can’t go on like this. Lately, whenever it’s supposed to be your shift, it’s “closed for technical reasons.” People are already messaging me asking what happened. 

— Me too. Let’s close after New Year’s. 

— Are you sure you don’t want to bring everything back? It’s not too late… 

— No, I don’t want to. I think this is better. You’ll live peacefully, and I’ll feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. 

— I feel sorry, Mariam. “Marfi” is our three-year story. My parents always told me that hard times exist so we can overcome them and learn from mistakes, not just let everything drift away. 

— I’m sorry too, but this job is only holding us back. 

— I feel like it’s a symbol of our friendship. Do you remember how we were best friends? How I met you at the train station when you first came to me? How we were always together, everywhere? And now what… 

— Why are you talking as if we’re not friends anymore, or as if we won’t be friends after the shop closes? 

— We’ve drifted apart, Mariam. 

— Is that because I’m in a relationship? But you are too, and with my friend. 

— It’s not about that… 

— Alright, let’s go to Emi, she’s probably worried. 

When they went upstairs, Vakhtang’s voice was heard from below: 

— Hey girls, come help us decorate the Christmas tree! 

The three of them exchanged silent glances. Mariam suggested: 

— Let’s do it? We don’t really have any plans anyway. 

Sophie turned to Fleya: 

— You can come with us, but please don’t touch anything. Vakhtang will have a fit if he sees his tree parts floating in the air! 

Everyone went downstairs. The large, dirty living room, covered with faded red-and-yellow wallpaper in a cheap, pseudo-royal style, was already decorated for New Year’s: colorful tinsel stretched across the walls, and raised blue stickers of snowflakes and Santa Claus were on the windows. Vakhtang was rummaging in a cardboard box, fitting piece to piece, while Tamara sorted through a box of ornaments. 

The girls all worked together, and after half an hour everything was ready. 

— Ah, how beautiful! — Vakhtang shouted. 

Mariam asked: 

— How are you going to celebrate? 

— As usual, at home. And you? — Tamara replied. 

— We’re thinking of staying with you until midnight. Is that okay? 

— “We” meaning you, Emi, Sophie? And your boy too? 

— Yes, Elvin. 

— Aahh! — Vakhtang shouted, lightly slapping Mariam on the back. — Boys are good! But I don’t allow anything, haha! Only on New Year’s, it’s allowed, and after that—if it happens—there will be a fine! 

Soon Mariam left to her place, and Sophie and Emi were left alone, deciding to go for a walk. The day was very fine: a clear blue sky, a thin layer of clean soft snow under their feet, and warmth coming from the sunlight. They went out and were deciding where to go—up or down? 

— Up, — Sophie finally said. — It’s cleaner and quieter there. 

They walked along the curves of the mountain and reached a clearing. 

— There’s that temple nearby! — Emi remembered. — The one where the gods were. 

At that moment, as they were walking along the clean path, two gods flew across the sky one after another: one was bright yellow, the other pink, like Fleya. They flew upward in a diagonal line, following each other. Sophie instinctively flinched. 

— There it is, — Emi pointed at the silhouette of the temple with her finger. — Do you want to go in? 

— Let’s go. 

Inside the temple it was quiet and empty, no one there. Only the brightest yellow light flickered in their eyes, and the smell of burnt church candles filled their noses, although the temple was clearly abandoned. Sophie noticed the icon of Saint Nicholas: 

— The eyes on the icon are gouged out… why? 

— Maybe the gods were just playing around, — Emi suggested. 

— But why would they play with icons and destroy them? 

— Maybe they got tired of humans inventing some non-existent cult and worshipping it. 

— Emi, — Sophie said seriously and a little sharply, — not all people are atheists like you. Respect my faith the same way I respect your disbelief. 

They left the temple. 

— Sorry, Emi. It’s okay. For me, there is no meaning in an atheistic world. I don’t believe and I can never believe that after death there is nothing, that good deeds are never rewarded, that our lives are pointless. My parents taught me my whole life that God exists and that He is all-good. I went to church school as a child, I still know prayers, I can’t just abandon all of that. 

— Listen, but isn’t Christianity against LGBTQ? 

— It isn’t. You haven’t read the Bible. There is nothing in it saying homosexuality is a sin. People just twisted it. 

— What about Sodom and Gomorrah? Isn’t that about it? 

— Those are all wrong, distorted interpretations. 

After that they stopped arguing. They walked down in silence, each absorbed in her own thoughts. 

— Should we go somewhere for lunch? — Emi spoke first when they reached the city street. 

— Let’s, — Sophie replied. 

— Sorry, I really didn’t mean to offend you. I just can’t understand many things fully, that’s why I argue. Even though I probably shouldn’t. Everyone has their own truth. 

— Yes, Emi, everyone has their own truth. And I’m sorry too if I offended you. 

Elvin and Mariam went to have dinner in a cheap cafe near Freedom Square. A quiet old American jazz was playing, and most of the people at the wooden tables were poor and slightly drunk. They took tea, a salad, and a pasta, sat down, and began to talk. 

— Elvin, can you believe it, we’ve been together for a whole month. 

— Yes, but it feels like three. 

— I love you… and I want to spend my life with you. 

— Mutual… but what kind of future would you like? 

— First, let’s discuss something we haven’t talked about yet, but it’s very important. How do you feel about family and children? 

— Oh, Mariam… I really hope you’re not going where I think you’re going—that you want children from me. I’m not against it, but I think it should take quite a few years before we get on our feet. 

— Yes, I think the same. I would only want children in my thirties—thirty-five at the earliest. Only when I’m emotionally and financially stable, I hope. And what about… our wedding? 

I’ve dreamed of a big, ceremonial, luxurious wedding since childhood, and you are the first person in my life I would want to be engaged to. 

Elvin’s eyes lit up. He looked at Mariam with a burning gaze, put his hand on hers, and said: 

— Thank you. I’m really happy, and I love you too, and I do want that eventually. But let’s try to live like this for at least another year. We shouldn’t rush anywhere, or we’ll become like our parents and grandparents who got married at twenty to the first person they met and then lived unhappily. And we still don’t have money for a big ceremony. 

— You’re right… And where would you like to live in the future? 

— I think we should move out of this rented room into something better as soon as possible, at least a one-room apartment. I’m just tired of living with a shared shower and no kitchen. We could even go to my place in Ireland. It’s your decision—I’ll accept whatever you choose. Ideally, I’d like to live in a private house, preferably by the sea. I used to live like that, and I miss it… but we don’t have a sea here. 

— We do have the Tbilisi Sea. Though it’s not really a sea, just a reservoir the size of a small lake. 

— Well, we’ll think about it anyway.