Up & At 'Em
I really just don't know anymore. I can't be in the same room as him I can't even breath the same air as him.
Ray
His reassuring voice raced through my head as I lied down on my bed for the first time in weeks, Gram and Gramps had just checked me out of the hospital earlier this week, feeling the woven blankets on my soft skin gave me a warm feeling in my heart, I was "home" and hearing the creaky floors and my grandparents voice gave me a sense of hospitality.
Gram came in as she watched me struggle to get up, "Oh Susanna, here let me help you", she offered. She carefully lifted my legs up so I can sit up.
"Thanks", I said my voice raspy as can be.
Gram gave me a heartfelt look as her eyes were glassy and a few tears trickled down her face.
"Why are you crying?", I mouthed
"This is all my fault, I encouraged you to be with Ray", she cried out.
"Gram, It's not your fault, i was being curious and I'm responsible for my actions", I tried to say.
Gram leaned in and hugged me she went back downstairs to finish her conversation with my mom and dad.
This was the first time in about a year that my parents were in the same room together without being Ast each others throats, for once they actually got a long for the sake of me. That's very... unselfish of them. I looked outside the window to get a glimpse of the sunset but all I could see was Ray outside trying to come inside.
"Oh no", I quietly said to myself.
I saw him get shunned away by my parents he looked up at my window and throw the bouquet of flowers he had at the window. I quickly turned away and hyperventilated. And slowly crept down into my covers
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"I have no clue how this could happen?", My mom said sighing and fed up with everything, this was my fault I knew Ray was fragile. He never really loved me I was just his temporary fix.
"She's leaving here she can't stay here anymore, I can't believe how irresponsible you guys could be", my dad snapped
"No it's not their fault John, Susanna is a 16 year old girl she has a free will. She's not 10 years old.", Mom responded
"Joanna! You're telling me we should keep our daughter with a psychopathic abusive drug addict! This is the same reason why I left you, you make bad choices", he spat
"Bad choices! You're the one who cheated on me with an accountant at least I have a REAL job!", she walked out of the room in tears.
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I dreamt of Ray, the warmth of his body when you lay on him. The jacket and how you can still smell his cheap cologne in the lining. His cheesy smile, his blue eyes, his soft caress of happiness. The way he talks, his raspy voice, floppy hair. I've always seemed to focus on that bad things about Ray but somehow admitting to myself that I love him without making some stupid excuse is actually relieving . I love Ray no matter how fucked up he is.
I woke up vividly remembering my dreams and thoughts, "Ah, fucked up hormones", I said to myself.
I carefully inched out of my bed and used my walker like an old lady. I grabbed a knife out of the kitchen and headed towards that same dirt road I naively went down 2 months ago. I breathed in intervals of 6 and slowly but surely made my way down towards the bay.