36 ~ Thomas
Confused.
I was confused, which recently has been normal. Confused in class, confused at home, confused about love, life, everything.
It's not like I'm used to being this- well, out of it. So completely lost. Things used to be clear; I used to understand work in class, but they've moved on without me.
I used to make my parents happy, but now they rarely smile at me. Key phrase: used to- past tense, done, over with, not any more.
It felt as if I was being dragged in all directions while my eyes were covered, being screamed at to chose the right way.
But...which way was right?
I sigh deeply, my hand running through my hair then sliding down my face causing me glasses to sit slightly crooked.
Follow my brain or heart?
I don't think I've ever truly liked someone, as lame or unrealistic that sounds, it's the truth.
Calum used to always talk about these girls when we were younger, how beautiful they were, how much he'd like to hold their hand or make them smile. I never really got what he was talking about, but I listened nevertheless.
I remember one girl vividly, her blond hair was naturally curled to perfection and her blue eyes swam with innocent joy. Sierra was her name. I thought she was pretty and nice, but nothing more.
However, this 8 year old girl took a liking to me, for some reason, and wasn't afraid to tell me so. It was dangerously hot that day, and her curls were pulled back into a pony tail, her face flush from the heat and both of our chests were heaving.
We had ran around the park and finally made it to the rock that was sat peacefully in the middle of the open field. It seemed so big back then. Everything was big, new, and exciting then.
I climbed onto the rock first, and outstretched my hand to help Sierra up. Our small hands intertwined with each other and her eyes widened once she was standing atop the ginormous rock with me. She didn't let go.
I remember how confused I was then, it's close to how I am now. "You're still holding my hand," I said dumbly, and she giggled. A blush burnt itself onto my cheeks. I've always hated being laughed at.
"I know, silly," She tapped her fingers against the back of my hand and I glanced at them. Her nails were painted a pretty purple, and I was about to comment on it when she spoke again.
"Thomas, I like you," Sierra said bluntly, and I looked from our hands to her face once again. My brow furrowed.
"Yeah, I like you too. You're nice," I gave her a grin and she shook her head, tugging my hand.
"No," She wined slightly, "I like like, you."
"Oh," My brow creased deeper and I looked at her. "Well...I like you, but not fancy you," I say curiously slow, trying to figure out my own words as I said them.
I knew I'd said something wrong when her eyes widened once again and her blue orbs began to gather tears. My hand was free from hers and she hopped from the rock in one swift motion.
"Wait, Sierra!" I followed her closely, suddenly feeling very guilty for hurting her feelings. "I'm sorry!" I cupped my hands around my mouth as I ran after her. Apologizing even though I didn't know what I did to upset her. I just didn't want her to cry.
"Leave me alone," She screeched and I halted in my tracks as a blond boy turned from his friends at her cries.
His fierce blue eyes narrowed as he glanced between us and he stormed over, his big stance causing the sweat already sticking to my face to increase.
"What did you do to my sister?!" He growled, using both of his hands to push my shoulders. I stumbled back and rushed to say, "I don't know! I didn't mean to make her cry,"
I looked over his shoulder to see her scowling at me with tears drying on her cheeks.
The boy cracked his knuckles, and I gulped, swallowing my fear. That day I came home with a black eye and confused head.
Sierra moved later that year, but her older brother stayed. The result of a brutal divorce, making the boy even more foul than he already was. Some things never change.
I'd given up on trying to figure out the whole like-liking thing, that is until tonight.
Because when Peter grabbed my hand, it didn't feel empty- like nothing more than palms touching as it did with Sierra.
No, it felt like....well I'm not sure, but it was something.
My mind was screaming, telling my this is wrong, so very wrong. My heart however, not so much. My heart was beating a jubilant rhythm, each beat telling me, no this is right.
So I stopped pulling away, and he tugged me closer and my heart was thrilled, beating so hard I couldn't even hear my brains protests anymore.
I couldn't think; I was just doing, my heart talking control of my limbs and my arms wrapped around his neck and-
"Who ruined the wall?"
I shot from my thoughts and fell from my desk chair in surprise, my father seething before me.
He eyed my face judgmentally, probably because my cheeks were on fire from my memory.
"Well?" He boomed and I flinched, suddenly very overwhelmed.
If I'd not been so confused and my mind not so muffled, maybe I wouldn't have sold Calum out. But, sadly, maybes and what ifs never help, do they?
I glanced out my door and to the room across from mind when he asked the question and that was enough of an answer for him. My eyes always give me away.
He turned with a sneer and growled something that sounded awfully like "of course it was," under his breath.
"It was me!" I screamed my fake confession as he walked into the hall, my small hands grabbing into his arm in a sad attempt to stop him. "I did it, I swear!"
My father gave me a frightening glare and threw me back into my room like I was some kind of rag doll, hissing "You wouldn't be able to make those holes even if you tried. Look at you, you're pathetic," before slamming my door shut with a rattling force.
Tears weld in my eyes and I just laid where I was, defeated. I could hear muffled shouts and bangs and I covered my ears, please just make it stop.
Desperate to escape reality, I searched for the memories of earlier that night, of the library, of him and his pretty earthy eyes.
And it worked. I was submerged in thoughts of Peter Elliot and my surroundings melted away, and I couldn't help but wonder, how could this be wrong?
I don't know how long I was laying there, with my eyes close in a state close to sleeping but not quite. It must have been a while though, because my limbs were stiff and eyes bleary when someone shook my shoulder urgently.
I opened my eyes to a shock, the person who woke my up was almost unrecognizable with his swollen face and blotched bruises.
"Calum?" I whispered, blinking before siting up. "Holy...what- how- I'm sorry," My words all tumbled from my mouth at the same time, causing confusion to twist his face.
"What? Don't be sorry. Why are you on the floor?" He paused, only to continue before I could answer, "Never mind that, I need to tell you something, and We're sorta in a rush,"
I realize Valerie was also in my room, and I rose an eyebrow at Calum in question.
He glanced to her and whispered, "I'll tell you later, but I wanted to give you a heads up," He paused, frowning as he looked at my face.
"Spit it out," I say with a small, encouraging smile.
"I'm leaving,"
The smile slipped off my face and my eyes widened.
"What? When? Where?" I stood quickly, causing my vision to swim slightly. I lent against my desk.
"Now," He said sheepishly and I swear I almost passed out.
"Now?!" I squeaked, my eyes popping from my skull.
This was something my heart and brain could agree on, as they were both shrieking
This is a bad, bad idea.
And they couldn't have been more right.
-
A|N
Hey guys!! Ik it's been a little while but what do you think of this chapter?
I personally like this chapter.
Feedback/ Questions?
Ilysm❤️❤️