twenty.
Normani's POV
I couldn't believe who I was starring at. It's been months since I've last seen Lauren, and it's crazy getting all these feelings back. Instantly when I laid eyes on her, a flood of feelings came back to me, leaving me speechless.
She looked different too. Her hair was chopped off, the brown was coming back, and her eyes were greener.
"So, how are you?" The brunette asked me, rocking from heel to toe with her hands shoved into her pockets.
"Good, and you?" I asked.
"Good." She responded.
There was an awkward silence between us and we both looked in two different directions. It was like we didn't even know each other. Two complete strangers. What the weird thing is, is that I know everything about her and what she has gone through, but I don't know how to speak to her.
"I wanted to talk." She blurted out after a moment of silence.
I furrowed my brows at her, "About what?"
"What happened between us."
"You mean when you cheated on me with my best friend?" I chuckled a bit at the vivid memory.
She sighed and looked away then looked back at me. "Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it here."
"Me neither, how about we not talk about it at all?" I suggested, sipping on my drink.
She sighed frustratedly and tugged on my arm. I got out of my seat and we headed out the party and went to a more secluded area where no one was around. "Lauren I don't have the time to be-"
"I'm sorry. I'm really, truly, incredibly, sorry." She cut me off with her words. Her hands held onto mine tightly, and her eyes were shut. "What I did was wrong, it should have never been an opinion. Everyday, I think of what we could've been, and I regret everything that I did. It's so hard trying not to pick up the phone and call you to see how you're doing. It's been months, but it feels like years. Not being able to hear your voice, feel your touch, your laugh, it's been like torture. Not only did I lose someone I actually truly loved, but I lost my best friend. I miss you Normani, and I'm sorry. I don't know any other way to express how bad I feel."
I was completely taken off guard by her words. I knew she was going to apologize, but I didn't know all that would come out of her. Especially since she has a girlfriend now.
Of course I've missed Lauren, but it's been so long, it's just happens that I moved on. I realized some relationships aren't meant to work out and there will always be a better one. With Lauren, I honestly thought maybe she could be the one, but I realized I would the one that would constantly be hurt. I don't want to deal with that type of relationship to be honest. It would be health for me or for her.
"Listen Lauren," I started, picking up her hands. My gaze met her emerald eyes and they softened. I could tell she was hurt, just by how concerned she looked to here what I was about to say next. "I do accept your apology, but I think it would be best for us to stay out of a relationship with each other. I moved on and I suggest you do too. I'm sorry." I frowned a bit, releasing her hand.
She turned around and clinched her jaw as she shook her head. "I love you. You don't understand how much I love you."
"I know and I love you too,"
"If you love me, why won't you come back to me?" She questioned, her eyes began to water, and her voice cracked.
"Because Lauren, I'm happy with who I'm with, I can't just pick up my stuff and leave him. Things have changed, but that shouldn't stop us from being just friends."
She did respond right away, and she took her time to think. I watched as she bit down on her bottom lip and began nodding her head. "Being friends, that's fine."
"Lauren, I'm sorry."
"It's understandable. I don't deserve you honestly. Not trying to say that in a mean way, but the person I am, should not have to be with someone as amazing as you. You don't deserve to be hurt. You need someone that can treat you right and someone you could be happy with. I'm glad he can do that for you." She said calmly while nodding her head.
"Lauren don't say stuff like that," I plead.
"No, it's true. You're too good for me, and I'm not good for you. Things aren't meant to work out sometimes, that's okay. But, I'm still good enough to be your friend." She smiled a bit. I reciprocated the smile and nodded my head. "But nothing and nobody will ever stop me from caring about you." She added on.
My smile widened when she said that and I brought her in for a hug. This was our first hug in months. It felt so nostalgic. Her being in my arms, remembering the warmth of her body, how firm and protecting and caring her hugs were, how she would squeeze my shirt tightly, the smell of her body and her hair. Nothing about her has changed. Everything stayed completely the same.
This hug wasn't awkward either. It was a generous and loving type of hug. I felt so comfortable being in her arms. It felt like we belonged in each others arms.
We released from the hug and looked at each other in the eyes. "Hey," I spoke, getting an idea in my head. She raised her brows, biting down on her bottom lip. "We should go on a double date!" I suggested.
She made a face and chuckled a bit. "I don't have a girlfriend." She laughed.
I furrowed my brows confusedly. "You and that girl aren't dating?"
She shook her head. "No, that's just my friend." She laughed.
"You've been single this whole time?" I questioned.
She nodded her head easily. "Yeah because I thought I could win you back, but it looks like I'm going to be single for a while now." She joked.
I slight pushed her and she flinched a bit. "Don't say stuff like that." I rolled my eyes.
"What? It's true!"
"You're so annoying." I rolled my eyes.
The night went by pretty smoothly after that. We went our separate ways when we went back into the party, but at least we didn't end off on bad terms. It felt good finally being able to speak to her, as well as let her know that I'm in a good relationship. I know she was hurt by it, but I didn't want her to get her hurt even more if I hadn't said anything about Diggy. The good thing is, we're friends.
Lauren's POV
Being able to talk to Normani and getting things off my chest felt relieving. I may have not got her back, but I did get a friendship back. Of course she's always going to have a special place in my heart, but these feelings have to go. It's going to take a minute, but eventually I'll find someone.
Normani did bring out the best of me though. She helped me overcome a lot of my problems and she was right there with me. She's apart of my journey. Maybe it wasn't meant for us to work out at the end. Maybe it was only meant to work out for a split second until I got my life back on track, that's when we go our separate ways. She goes on with her life and I go on with mine.
-
Today had finally been the day I play in my hometown. I've been waiting for this day for years and now I'm finally about to be performing for them.
So many people are coming out to see me perform. My family, some people from high school, and a lot of the Miami fans. The energy had been amazing throughout the whole night, and I felt good about going on.
Whenever I perform out here, the fans energy is always up. Performing in my hometown is one of my favorite places to perform because my first gig was out here and ever since then, the fans have been amazing. They always are so energetic and looking out in the crowd and seeing how happy they were is one of the best feelings in the world.
"So how are you feeling?" Cookie asked me.
"Good, I feel more excited than anything." I smiled.
"This is the most energetic you've ever been on this tour." Ally stated once she walked into my dressing room.
"Everyone I know is about to watch me perform, I have to put on a show. Plus this is my hometown."
I left my dressing room and waited backstage, waiting for my cueto go on stage. I could see the crowd from where I was and that stadium was filled. I felt a bit nervous, but I was also hyped up to perform in front of all these people.
The announcer called my named and I rushed out and I heard the crowd roaring. Seeing all those people in the crowd go crazy for me brought back memories from when I was on tour.
A little later on, before the show was ending, I added two more new songs to the set list.
"So, recently, I've made a couple songs, I was wondering if I could play them for you?" The crowd roared and jumped up and down. I chuckled at the reactions and began strumming on my guitar. "You know, I missed this. Just being able to perform for you guys with just my guitar and my voice." I stated before starting the song.
I'll face my fear of the evening once I get used to this feeling.
I can't sleep,
That's when you're torn away from me.
While I'm dreaming I feel you leaving.
I'll face my fear of the sunrise when I wake up with your hand inside mine.
It's hard to say "good morning" when it's followed with "goodbye".
Just wanted to say "good night".
Our eyes fighting the light,
But I'm not ready to say "good night".
I try and hold on tight cause it's just not time to say "good night".
Say good night.
I'll face my fear of the cold nights when you leave me behind.
I felt your hands in my hair,
I felt your breath on my neck,
Yeah, I need to feel you again.
Just wanted to say "good night".
Our eyes fighting the light,
But I'm not ready to say "good night".
I try and hold on tight cause it's just not time to say "good night".
Say good night.
These eyes are closed again for yet another night.
I wake up and I can feel you by my side,
but I can't find you in the dark when you're so far.
Yeah that's the hardest part.
Here comes the hardest part.
Our eyes fighting the light,
But I'm not ready to say "good night".
I try and hold on tight cause it's just not time to say "good night".
Say good night.
The song I performed was called Eyelids, and I actually wrote it last night after the party. It is obviously about Normani. It's self explanatory, basically how she said goodbye and I wasn't ready for her to leave. It shows how I am coping with this breakup even though it's been months. Just shows, no matter what, I will constantly have a love for her.
I also performed another song I wrote last night as well. It is called Bad Intentions and it just about the whole situation with Jilly and how I kept it from Normani. Also, it was written from how I kept somethings to myself and opened up to Normani about things Camila only knew.
The Miami show was so much fun. They really loved the new songs and I'm glad they did. I was pretty nervous for performing for the very first time. There was no production for it, I didn't even go to the studio to record the song. It all was written with just my guitar on my notepad on my tour bus early this morning when the band and everybody else went out for breakfast.
I wrote many other songs before Bad Intentions, but it was one song that meant the most to me. Possibly one of my favorites that I ever written.
After the show, we have a couple days off, so I decided to meet up with the mystery girl and stay with her until her stay in Miami is over.
"Are you planning on making those songs singles?" She asked.
I shrugged. "I don't know, maybe."
"The crowd seemed to love them, at least release them online." She suggested.
It was a pretty good idea. Releasing them online would be good, just to give the fans something new to listen too.
"I might do it in the morning, just to give the fans something to listen to." I thought about, giving a light shrug afterwards. "I was thinking about telling them one more thing," I told her, as she walked over to me.
She raised her brows, wondering what I was going to say.
"I think I should-" I paused and looked at my phone as it buzzed.
I furrowed my brows and was surprised to see Normani's contact name pop up on my screen.
"What's up?" The other girl asked, taking a seat next to me.
"Normani texted me." I announced as I read the message. "She wants to meet up tomorrow." I looked up at the girl next to me after I replied to Normani.
She raised her brows out of shock, "Do you want to meet up with her?" She questioned.
"I kinda want to, but I don't at the same time." I frowned a bit, shrugging afterwards.
"Well, you never know what could happen afterwards," She mentioned. "Are you still in love with her?"
I turned and looked at the girl, waiting to hear my genuine answer. I licked my lips and sighed, and nodded my head. "Yeah, of course I am. Especially after seeing her last night, it's like I fell deeper in love, but at the same time, my heart was hurting. Seeing her with someone else, happy with them as well. It hurt." I said sadly.
Normani was someone I thought I would live the rest of my life with. We shared fun times together, great memories, and there wasn't a dull moment between us. Whatever we did, we always had a great time, no matter what was going on.
"We are all going to have those moments," The brunette scooted closer to me, "those moments where we just remember all the memories, and want them back. Then we see them, and our feelings come flooding back to us, and we just feel this pain. I know it sucks, and you want her back, but this pain you're feeling now, will leave eventually. It just takes time."
"I'm confused by everything to be honest." I confessed, looking at her.
She furrowed her brows and tilted her head. "Confused by what?"
"With myself. I don't know if I'm in love with her. I seem like I am, but recently, I have been falling out of love, but then I saw her last night and everything just came back." I admitted.
Before last night, I had been slowly losing my feelings for my former ex girlfriend. She had been moving on, and I started to accept that. It's life and it happens, people move on, I can't change that. Then last night, it was like those feelings just came back. Remembering the person she made me, how she made me feel happy and wanted. Those were some of the reasons why I feel in love with her. Now I want to change the fact she moved on, I want her back. I just don't know if I'm saying this for now, then the next month probably, I will be over her.
"Well it happens, but only you know the truth." She gave a small smile. "The only thing is, are you in love with her or are you just in love with the feeling she gave you?"
"I don't know." I said quietly, thinking about the question.
"You will eventually, it takes time." She patted me on the back, "It's pretty late, I'm going to bed. Don't stay up all night thinking about this." She told me.
I smiled at her and nodded. "I won't, I'll see you in the morning." I said to her softly.
I actually did stay up. Stayed up all night thinking about Normani and what we could've been. As much as I tried to get her off my mind, I just couldn't. I could think about something else for a split second and right afterwards, she'll be on my mind.
I tossed and turned in bed, and often I would get up and walk to the wind for some fresh air, hoping that would help me sleep.
Hours went by and all I did was drink coffee and thing of Normani. I thought about a variety of things, such as the way she smiles, how she flips her hair to the other side without using her hands, how her voice sounds when she wakes up, her laugh, the sparkle in her eye when she's speaking passionately about something, I thought about everything about her.
The only thing that constantly stayed on my mind was, was how it felt when she was in my arms or her touch. As I laid down, all I could think about was how normally Normani would be laying on my chest and I would be playing with her hands while we talked about how our day went. Those late night moments when we just spilled everything and just talked until one of us fell asleep. The moments I truly missed.
I had gotten no sleep at all. I was sitting at this dinner table, anxious as hell. I tapped my fingers out of nervous habit and looked around and searched for Normani. Often, I would check my watch and the time on my phone. My watch was off, so I found myself getting frustrated or mad, then realizing it isn't six in the morning.
I drank down all my water and the waitress came back a minute later in shock by how fast I drank it. "You seem nervous," The older lady chuckled as she poured the water in my glass.
"I kinda am." I laughed out of nervous habit, grimacing.
"Just don't pee your pants." She joked before leaving.
I didn't laugh because I knew as soon I drink down this glass, as soon as Normani sits right in front of me, I will pee my pants.
Forty five minutes rolled around and I started to think I was being stood up. Maybe she didn't want to meet with me after all. It's understandable, but still send me a text message saying you aren't going to make it.
Normani showed up right afterwards. As soon as I saw her, I couldn't help but smile at how beautiful and breathtakingly gorgeous she looked. Her hair flowed down the side of her shoulder, her tee shirt tied on the side, showing a little bit of skin, and to finish it off a nice pencil skirt and heels. She looked amazing.
"Hey," I greeted her, with a small smile, looking down at my drink right after making eye contact.
"Hi Lauren," she smiled. I felt her eyes on me, and I couldn't help but resist the urge from looking up at her as she stared at me intently. "You look nice."
I tried my best from blushing too hard. "Thanks, you do too." I reciprocated.
"You cut off half of your hair!" She pointed out, pointing at my hair.
I shrugged and flipped it over my shoulder. "Gotta try new things." I commented.
She laughed a bit and picked up the menu. We had a silence which is uncommon for us, but it's been a minute since we've actually talked, not counting the night before. So many questions ran threw my mind, but I didn't want to say anything because I was worried about what the outcome would be. I didn't think positively about it either, it was all negative, so I chose to keep my mouth shut and let her do all the talking.
"So," She started, placing down her menu. I looked up from mine and notice as she looked a bit frustrated and annoyed. "I just want to cut to the case if that's fine," She began. I nodded my head and licked my lips, preparing myself for the worst, knowing I still am not ready to hear what she has to say. "Lauren, I'm hurt." She said blunt.
I knew it.
I didn't say anything because I knew she wanted to get everything off her chest. So I sat and listened, waiting for my turn to speak.
"What you did hurt me. It hurt me so badly, you don't understand. It was the fact that I loved you so much, that you went and did this. Not a day goes by where I don't think of you. I still think of you, every night, every morning, everyday. I wonder what you're doing and what it would be like to have you back, but after you hurt me, I hate thinking of that." She explained. She looked very hurt, I saw it in her eyes. They didn't have that same sparkle like they normally do, they looked dull and hurt. All because of me.
"Looking at you right now, I don't even see you as I did before, I see you as someone that hurt me. I want to cry honestly, but I just can't. Nothing will come out anymore. I hate thinking about you because I'm trying so hard to get over you. It isn't easy at all. The fact that you cheated on me, with my best friend, I just can't wrap my head around it. It's just so crazy. Too think that I loved you, but I loved you more than you could ever love me."
This sucked. I never knew I could cause someone so much pain. I knew she would be hurt, but not like this. This was completely unexpected. I see her living happily with her boyfriend, not knowing that she still thinks of me, but hates thinking of me.
"Did you ever even love me?" She asked seriously.
"Of course I did," I answered, then I thought. "You know what, I'm not going to lie to you. I thought you wouldn't really love me, so I was confused. I was afraid to fall for you and you not feel the same. That was my biggest fear." I explained truthfully. "I didn't want to love you and you not love me back, but I couldn't stop myself. I was afraid I would be the one getting hurt. I feel for you hard, and I kept it to myself for a minute while we were together. I was confused."
"Confused enough to cheat?"
I shook my head, I don't know if she knows, but now it's time for me to tell her my side of the story. "Would you like to hear the real reason why I did that?"
"Yes, yes I would. Please tell me." She answered, shifting in her sit and resting her chin on her hands, looking at me intently.
"Here is how everything went down, I was afraid to love you because I didn't want to get hurt, you told me you liked me, that same night, Jilly wanted to meet up. I was confused why she wanted to because she never spoke to me in my life outside of business. I meet up with her and she tells me, me and you were just a hook up, and I was pissed. I have hid all these feelings from you, about to fully express myself to you, but she tells me, me and you are a hook up?"
"I've never said that in my life." Normani replied shaking her head in disbelief. "All she said was that you two hooked up."
"Yes did, only because she said you didn't have feeling towards me."
"So you would rather believe Jilly, rather than coming to talk to me about the situation?"
I didn't say anything. She had a point, I could've easily went and spoke with her. I've known Normani longer than Jilly, why would I believe her. My feelings got in the way of things, so I acted before I thought.
"I know I fucked up, in the end, it was my fault, I could've spoken to you and asked you. I will live with that regret, and I know a bunch of 'i'm sorry's' won't get you back. I just want you to truly understand that I really did and still do love you." I expressed to her.
I don't know how many times I have to tell her this, but I will tell her until she understands it.
She sighed and looked down. "Lauren, I don't think I can see us being together. Not because of that, but because I still see you with many different people ranging from Tori all the way to Barbara."
I furrowed my brows confused by how she knew about the mystery girl. "How do you know her?"
"She was in one of my music videos earlier on in the start of my career." She waved her hand dismissively.
"I'm not dating her. Nor Tori. I haven't been in a relationship since we've broken up." I stated, waiting for us to make eye contact. Her gaze met mine, and I forgot about the wonderful feeling I would get whenever we made eye contact. "I want you to trust me again. I will never love someone the way I loved you." I said softly.
She didn't reply, she just looked away.
"Answer this honestly, are you happy with Diggy?" I asked her.
She took a minute to answer and she finally shook her head. "Not as happy as I was with you."
I raised my brows a bit. "If you just trust me, all that happiness will come back and I'll do whatever for you to keep it." I offered to her.
She sighed and looked down at the floor then back up at me. "I'm going to need some time, to rekindle my thoughts, I need to think this through." From what it seems like, she seems to be thinking about maybe letting me back into her life. "For now, let's just stay friends. Is that okay?"
I smiled and nodded my head. "As long as your in my life again, that's fine with me." I smiled.
I loved her and I knew part of her still loved me, she just needs time to think. It understandable if she doesn't want to be with me, but I would much rather just be friends, knowing we got everything off our chests and move on in life. I will continue to love her no matter what, but, I want what's best for her and if it's just being friends I'm totally fine with that. As long as I get to hear her voice, I'm fine.