Emotions -- James McVey
Dear Diary,
Mal wants us to write about our emotions. I think that's stupid. I think her ideas and intentions are good, so it's okay.
I guess I don't like emotions. I don't like to trust, I don't like love. I like when people are happy. I like when Connor smiles. His smile is really nice. It's just nice and big and shiny and his eyes light up and his nostrils do a little dance.
The four of you make me happy. I'm not used to it, so go easy on me.
I feel lonely sometimes. I've abandoned all of my friends. I've cut them all out. Especially Levi. He was supposed to be my best friend, and then he went and kissed the girl I loved. Loved. Key word here is loved. I loved her, but not anymore.
My friends tried, but I was having none of it. Nate took Levi's side, saying he was there and Casey kissed him. Sidenote for a sec, I'm sorry to Tristan if this makes you uncomfortable. Okay, reconvene. Drew took my side, but thought I needed to talk to Levi to get all the details. And then Austin took no sides because he "didn't want to deal with our shit." Zayn and Niall tried to help, but it only made me feel worse. They were best friends with Casey's brother, and that was just too close for me. I couldn't be around them anymore.
But Mal. Mal is a different story. I stayed with Mal. She hated what her sister had done, having been in that same situation herself, and that made me feel better. It helped knowing that someone understood how I felt. Quick sorry to Mal in case she wasn't cool with everyone else knowing. But I stopped talking to her once summer ended. She just looked exactly like Casey, had she dyed her hair blue.
I feel angry a lot. I feel angry because my best friend kissed my girlfriend. I feel angry because I realized I never loved her anyway. I feel angry because I can never love her or anyone like her. I feel angry because I don't understand why I never loved her, and never figured it out.
I feel stupid. I feel stupid because I let someone trick me into thinking they were my best friend.
I'm going to go and cry into a bucket of ice cream with Connor now, bye.