Crooked Priorities
(Requested by: @Glory_Horan )
You could say it was a sort of PTSD. You could say it was just anxiety. But you hated being ignored or abandoned.
It was a squeezing feeling in your chest, like your oxygen was being cut off. Your brain swam with dark thoughts. You couldn't handle the void of emptiness that set in when you were alone.
It wasn't that bad. It was only triggered after a couple hours of being secluded.
The team barely noticed it, and only Director Coulson and Natasha knew about it. Steve never saw any of it. He was your boyfriend, but that was such a crude term. He was your crutch, and you were his walker, as you liked to joke.
But recently, with the Winter Soldier thrown into his life, Steve was getting more and more occupied. He was sent on more missions, some purposed, and others to simply keep him busy. You, of course, supported his decision to defend his friend, but things were going too far. Friends were turning on each other, relationships being torn apart. People were picking sides and Steve was getting overly stressed.
He always came home late, as a part of keeping Bucky safe, but he also didn't speak much to you anymore. When he did, he always seemed angered. You couldn't see him anymore, the real him.
And you were going to do something about it.
•••••
You waited until three in the morning before you heard the door open. You were met with the sparkling blue eyes that always melted you, and- a guilty smile.
"Hey, Doll. Sorry, Coulson wanted to speak with-" "I don't care for excuses." You stopped him. He froze and raised an eyebrow. "What?"
"I know you need to protect Bucky, and I fully support that decision, but you don't seem to even care about me anymore." Steve gave an incredulous laugh. "Don't care?" His voice raised.
"I do too care! In fact, I care too much! I come home to you every night when Bucky is in danger of being killed for things he didn't do!"
"He did do them. He may not have been under full control, but he did commit."
That set Steve off.
"You are being so selfish! I'm trying to protect my friend when all you do is sit at home and complaining and doing nothing!"
His statement made you take a step back. A wave of rage crashed over you, filling you to the brim.
"I do nothing? Really? I. Do. Nothing?" You were seething. "I take care of you even when you are being a giant turd butt! I make food so you have something to eat whenever you get home late! Don't think I don't notice the parts of leftovers missing in the morning! And the other thing! I sweep up the dirt and mud from your shoes after you go to sleep! And I don't know if you've noticed how I wash your clothes for you! Even when you're asleep and you always leave them in the middle of the floor!"
He scoffed.
"So what? You do what every girlfriend is supposed to do?"
You were now shaking. You were getting a headache from all the frustration.
"I STICK UP FOR YOU AT WORK! I DEFEND YOU FROM YOUR OWN FRIENDS WHO TALK ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK! I ACTUALLY WORK SO YOU HAVE TIME TO LOOK AFTER BUCKY! I TRY TO BE A PEACEMAKER SO YOU DON'T LOSE EVERYONE YOU LOVE IN YOUR LIFE!"
You were breathing heavily, trying to keep from breaking something. He was only silent. Then, he spoke.
"Well, maybe I don't want you in my life."
He walked out, leaving his words to hang in the air.
•••••
Darkness was surrounding you. You couldn't call anybody to come over from your paralyzing anxiety. You couldn't breathe. Air was floating past your mouth, not being able to be pulled in.
Your own mind was killing you.
The world was spinning. Soon, you were looking at it horizontally. Black was tinting your vision and your head felt like it was imploding.
Alone. I'm all alone. Oblivion. Forgotten. I'm as small as a speck of dirt. I am floating aimlessly. I am nothing. I am floating aimlessly. I'm as small as a speck of dirt. Forgotten. Oblivion. I'm all alone. Alone.
Thoughts were jumbled and contorted. Abstract. You couldn't think. You couldn't do anything.
Suddenly, the door burst open and scared eyes met yours.
Then, everything went black.
•••••
You were sitting on your hospital bed, making joyful conversation with Nat when Steve came running in with a panicked look on his face. As soon as you saw him, your face hardened.
You turned to Nat. "Can you please get the huge skunk bag out of here? He's stinking up the place with his gigantic ego and putrid personality."
Nat nodded, smiling. "Certainly."
She immediately stood up and turned to Steve. You refused to look at him. "You heard her; you're not welcome," Nat glared at him.
He looked past her at you. "(Y/N), I am so sorry, you have no idea. I sincerely apologize-" "Nat," you reminded her.
"Steve, I'm not going to tell you again. Get. Out."
Steve looked at you again and sighed.
"I mean it, (Y/N). I was such a pig. No, I wasn't a pig. I was lower than that. I was a- a rat. I was mud. I should never-"
"Steve," Nat pulled him by his sleeve out into the hallway.
Once they were out of your earshot, she sighed. "You don't know what you put her through."
"Yes, I know that I said those horrible things that should never have even been thought. I was so rude-"
"No, you don't know what you put her through. (Y/N) has an anxiety disorder. An abandonment problem."
Steve was taken aback.
"What?"
"She can't be left alone for more than a couple hours, or else her brain starts shutting down. It's a type of PTSD complex."
Horror dawned on Steve. "After the fight..."
Nat nodded solemnly.
"Why didn't she tell me?" Steve's voice broke.
"She doesn't like for people to know her weaknesses. She didn't want you worrying about her all the time."
Steve's eyes began to water.
"I messed up, I messed up so bad..."
Nat nodded, folding her arms.
"Yes, you did. Now you have to make it up to her. It may take a while, but, you will have to make it back up to her eventually."
Steve nodded, wiping at his eyes.
He walked back in the hospital room to find you asleep. He gently and hesitantly lied down next to you, pulling your blankets up.
"I love you so much, Doll. You have no idea. You are such a wonderful person; I don't deserve you. Which is why I'm going to prove myself everyday to you. I'm going to do something everyday to show you how much I love and adore you. It may take a while, but I'm banking that one day, I will get you back. And I will never let you go."
He kissed your head and closed his eyes. Unbeknownst to him, a small smile grew on your face.
_______________________
A/N: Bonjour! I hope you guys liked it! Vote and comment, and I will see you guys next time!
(P.S. I am sooooo sorry on how long it took me to write this. Life is a roller coaster, and the engineer of mine really likes trick drops, loop-the-loops, and barrel rolls.)
Later, my beauts!
~Sports_books_1816