Still Here
I'm supposed to feel better over time, right? Because I'm not, I'm not even close to feeling even semi better. If anything, I'm getting worse. At first I kept it all to my self, telling myself how worthless my own existence is in the safety of the darkness of the early hours of the morning. I try to keep the screaming down to a dull roar, but when I do that I can still here what's going on on the inside. It's gotten so bad that Demi started sleeping with me. Not that I slept or slept near her if I tried. When I do, I get the same dream every night.
I'm there, laying on Demi in the backseat and I see the truck so I sit up to look. The story either ends there and jolts me awake vibrating with tears in my eyes, air hiding from my lungs, or keeps going. When it doesn't we crash and the sound of metal on metal crunching together is everywhere. Everything happens in slow motion, letting me see the glare in my vision that blinds one person at a time. As the white orb crosses over Demi, I'm her, feeling shards of glass burrow inside me. As it crosses Dylan, I feel my right side making contact and breaking with the force of the guard rails. When I feel it's over, a very heavy object makes contact with my skull. I look over weakly, even though my eyes are throbbing from the blow. Then I'm Nate, the entire left side of my body aching as I grip the steering wheel, glass all over me and the dashboard, I think we're gonna be ok. There is a poke behind my seat that keep inching closer and closer until it breaks through the material and continues. I feel every hair movement as it invades and tears up my insides. My vision goes all white and he's standing in front of me, his left side bashed, bruised, bloody and covered in glass. His head has deep cuts that get blood on his hair. He looks at me, squinting in pain and hunching over the metal that wasn't separated from him.
"Why didn't you save me?" He asks, tears forming in his sea green eyes, "it hurts, Natie. It hurts so bad. You could have spared me this pain." He howls in pain and falls to his knees, coughing up blood before vomiting on himself and the crisp white floor. He then falls over, lifeless, and I wake up screaming in agony as sweat drips down my forehead.
I used to escape these horrors through my insomnia, but recently I've started seeing him in and around the house. Usually, he doesn't say anything, just looks at me through the window, in the kitchen, and most terrifying of all is when I look behind me and he's standing in the shower tub, shyly poking out from behind the shower curtain.
Just yesterday, I was shuffling through the skeleton of my fridge when I found a beer behind probably-expired milk. As I opened it, closing the door and turning around, Nate was standing right behind me. This startled me and I dropped the glass bottle right next to him, screaming after looking at his bloody face with recognition.
"Im the bottle", he says to me in a mumble. I heard Demi yell and run in from the living room. When she came in the room, Nate saw her and just vanished out of thin air.
"No, no don't cry, sweetheart", she soothes, holding me together. I didn't know I was crying until she told me and her gentle thumb wiped my tears away.
"But-but he's here, and he won't go away."
"Who baby?"
"N-Nathan", I sob, "there's a dead person in my house, Demi".
"No ones here, Natalie. He's not here, he's not here it's ok. Breathe, Breathe, princess."
"What are you doing?" Demi asks from behind me.
I turn around with a paintbrush suspended by my fingers. Demi is holding stain remover in one hand and her phone in the other. Smurf pajama bottoms slightly too big hang off her slender waist and one of my old sweatshirts sways around her every time she moves. Her hair is in a ponytail and glasses hang loosely on her nose. Conclusion, she's beautiful.
Brushing my greasy hair out of my face and look around at my work, confused. "It looks pretty obvious to me, I'm painting." She looks around, and I do the same. Painters tape borders sections of wall, some painted, some half done, some not done at all. All will eventually make up every main color. Green, blue, yellow, red, orange, purple,and brown. These colors surround me in cylinder cans on the floor covered in newspapers I have never read and don't plan to.
"Why though?" She asks, walking into the open room.
"This is Nate's room".
"Nat", She starts.
"If you tell me one more time that he's dead I'll spill red where it isn't supposed to be. He's still here in some ways. In mind and spirit, you can't deny that", I warn, "it isn't actually Nate's room. It's his tribute. He was all of this".
"What?" She asks.
I turn fully toward her, " these colors. They were him. Who he was as a person. He was passionate, courageous" I nod to red and go down the line in a row." He was creative. He was wise. He was intelligent. He was joyful. He was ambitious. He was safety. He was understanding. He was noble, confident, reliable and genuine in all those ways. Sure he was sometimes angry, aggressive, and jealous. Sometimes he had to be a coward. Sometimes serious or mysterious. He was pure in some ways." I look to the trim by the ceiling," and corrupt in others", I point to the black trim," he may have been all these things, but he was gray top to bottom."
Demi looks at me, her hand now on the small of my back. "So are you."
"We are all every color, no color, and every which way in between those thin but bold lines one way or another. Good or bad, after all, there aren't just fifty shades of gray or grey". She kisses my cheek and there is a moment of silence." Of course, all these colors are different on the other parts of the world. Red is happiness in most other places, but in Africa it's mourning. Orange is happiness, yellow is all kinds of things- sadness in Greece, jealousy in France-"
"Natalie." I look back to my smiling girlfriend. "I'm very proud of you. Doing this for him, for yourself."
"Would you like to help so I can be proud of us for finally doing something besides crying together?"
Demi laughs weakly, sadly knowing it's so true. "of course". I look down, dropping my paintbrush and lifting my hand.
I wipe a dirty finger on her nose "Red, the color of love and desire" she giggles, and I wipe my thumb on her cheek," purple, royalty for my princess. Yellow happiness" I keep poking her face until she bends down and jumps back up, a soaked hand crossing my face.
"Green, the color of healing". The other hand crosses my face, most likely making an X." Brown, relaxation."
Demi must have seen the look etched in my green and brown face, because she ran away with a slim brush in hand as she laughed loudly. I was quick to follow, chasing her around the colorful room with a paintbrush, periodically dipping into cans and running after Demi. We painted, we played. The sun was shinning, birds were chirping to it like a preach to God right outside the window with brown trim- Nature. All around, this day went from a neutral gray to a vibrant, radiating yellow.
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THIS STORY HAS BEEN NOMINATED FOR BEST GXG LOVATIC FANFICTION AT THE LOVATIC FANFIC AWARDS 2016. Voting closes in a while, but rally up and hopefully we can make this story award winning #coolbeans. Now, hopefully there will be even more options to be nominated for in the future. So, LET'S GO NATALIE AND DEMI SHIPPERS WHOO WHOO. Thank you @wordsweneversaid who is also nominated like six times btw (she a boss). VOTE comment, share.
COLOR SYMBOLISM (not all things colors represent, just what's here):
RED-color of passion, love (pinkish shade) and courage, but also anger
ORANGE- color of wisdom and creativity, but also aggression
YELLOW- color of intelligence and happiness, but also jealousy
GREEN- color of ambition, nature/healing, and safety, but also cowardice (also jealousy for certain shades)
BLUE- color of understanding, but also seriousness
PURPLE- color of nobility (also ambition), but also mystery
WHITE- color of purity
BROWN- genuine, confidence, reliable, relaxation
BLACK- color of evil, corruptness (and mystery)
GRAY- black +white, among other things not mentioned