Funeral of Swing
We all wore black to attend Swing's memorial service. Dylan brought the endless packets of information on his case and general cases of HIV and AIDS to keep him busy. No one had the heart to tell him Nate was gone while he was being bombarded in the hospital trying to figure himself out. He found out the night after he was discharged when we all had dinner together.
"Where's Nate", he asked.
"Not here", Aiden said quietly.
"He can't even bother to come to dinner with us? He can't provide for himself", he grumbled.
"He couldn't come. That's not his fault", Monica said.
Everyone seemed to take turns speaking, to afraid to speak up and say it straight to the handicap-able man. His anger and frustrations rose higher than anyone expected, but with it so did mine. While is tension gave off through voice in the air above the dining table, mine rose through heavy breathes and eyes that couldn't push out the tears in them. Demi took my hand and squeezed, but that did nothing.
"Well god damn it why can't the bastard show up, Huh? We're all tired, but here we are, where is he?!"
"He's dead", I yelled, the thickness of my throat noticeable, "Nathan is fucking dead you insulting asshole. We're all hurting in different ways. There is no need for your endless bullshit on one subject-"
"You're hurting, huh? You had someone to throw themselves in danger to save your life. You would be dead if it wasn't for Demi. The deepest glass in her was right next to her spine. She could have been paralyzed. That would have hit you in the heart and killed you. I had no one. Even if I did, I'm already dying. I'm signed off already", he growls.
"Grow a pair, Dylan. Just because you drunkenly had sex with some whore that got it from some other carrier doesn't make you one for all the pity. You know very well that-"
"Enough", Demi screams, "stop this fucking fighting. Your friend has passed and you fight each other? I expect more from both of you. Nate is gone. This isn't how you should make up for his absence". This would be the first time I see Demi cry over Nate's loss. From that night forward we did not speak of Nathan Paul Everett. Not all together and certainly not directly.
Dylan was confined to a wheelchair, so he had his little speech in his lap as Aiden pushed him. Monica and I were the other ones to speak. I didn't want to, but Demi reminded me why I was going to be walking down a path surrounded by headstones at ten o'clock on a Saturday morning. So now I'm here with a piece of paper Demi typed for me.
There were more people than I expected. I couldn't count them, but it was a good amount. His whole family was here, along with a few other friends. We stood by Alex and Wayne, two buddies of ours we lost touch with. Wayne used to be Monica's boyfriend, actually, but his decision to go to training into the army in hopes of being on the front lines worried her too much. Nate's sister Kelsey was there, I met her before, but I didn't recognise her until I heard her voice. Then she noticed me and came over, giving me a hug.
"I can't believe you're here", she said, "and you can see".
"I wouldn't miss this for the world, even when truly believing none of us should be here", I respond.
She wipes a lose tear. "Only the good die young".
"That would explain why the rest of us are still alive".
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were a part of the wreck. I was just told Nathan passed". There is a slight hesitation in her words, like she thought every syllable three times over. "Was it-was it gruesome".
"Very, but I can't give oh details. I couldn't live with myself". She nods, and then she had to go back to her parents area because the ceremony was beginning.
Many people spoke, family, friends, even Kelsey spoke a few words of sorrow. I couldn't hear a thing though. My eyes and ears were stuck on the casket, silently praying to whatever gods there were for that casket to open and hear him gasping for breath. I knew that wouldn't be so, but I couldn't push the brick-like hope off my shoulders. Demi nudged me and squeezed my hand tighter. I looked up and saw Dylan pushing his own way to the clearing for speakers.
"Nathan and I became friends in fifth grade", he began," our bond started with passions for sports, music, and friends is what brought us together. It was like that for the majority of grade school and into our adult life. Nathan was caring, kind, and considerate the whole time I knew him. He never wished ill for haters and never turned his back on me or any of his friends, even if sometimes we already started walking away. Nate passed very young and very sudden." I looked around, wondering how everyone was doing so far. Tears were everywhere. Whether it was prompted by Dylan's words and memories I don't know, but it was as if it were premeditated that half of us look at the grave and the other half at Dylan.
"Although I don't recall his death, I recall being told. I was at the dinner table over a friend's house. I kept asking where my buddy was. The whole table was silent except for when I asked a question, even then it was one by one speaking. Then I got upset, because in my heart I knew he was gone. I knew the day I walked out of the hospital and he wasn't there. I knew when I never got a text. I knew the whole time. Maybe I even knew when the headlights were coming at us, but I don't remember much from that night. The longer it wasn't said out loud the longer I could make excuses to myself to trick my mind into making his presence around. Honestly, I wanted to scream. I was mad at him leaving. I was mad at the drunken and sleepy truck driver for hitting his side of the car. I was especially mad that he broke the one promise I was so sure he would never break. We said we were in it together, so we were gonna end it the same way. But he left without me". On that sentence the lump in his throat came out and he cried heavily then regaining control, "excuse me. He broke that promise, or at least a promise, from all of you. Maybe it wasn't said, it was just a silent agreement or precedent for families and friends. Think about it, whatever it was. Now lock it up for when you see him again. We will. God will make sure of it, just don't do anything too bad". He laughs humourlessly. "When you do see him again, tell him about it. Maybe he'll make it up to you. We all know that's the kind of guy he was. Thank you, Nathan. Thank you for being a part of my heart, and thank you all for listening". Dylan steps down, and there is not one dry eye. He's quiet and in tears, but he still musters some humour to wish me luck. "I warmed them up for you, Nat."
I walk up with the useless piece of paper at my fingertips. Of course I wasn't reading from it. I memorised it with Google translate reading it to me over and over. I was just ashamed to not look like every other speaker. "Nathan and I became friends when I first tried grade school. I couldn't see him but I knew exactly where every callus was on his hand as they formed since then. Nate was the guy you could go to for anything at almost any time, he would somehow be there for you even if you were across the world. None of us should be here. We should all be home, including the one in the casket. Nathan lost his life trying to save everyone else in the car. He died as a selfless boy, when he should be living to become a man. He was my best friend, and one of my biggest idols. Swing used to tell me that if he died unjustly to remember him as a living spirit rather than a corse in a box", I laugh sadly," so that's what I'm going to do. I remember him when we were six, first meeting and holding hands in the halls for both friendship and guidance. I remember him when we were twelve and entering middle school, telling me how he had learned to draw cartoons I never got the chance to see. I remember when I quite school and worked on my own education at home, Nate would come over every Wednesday and tell me all the happenings of public school. I remember him finding me in tears when we were fifteen. My family was becoming more hostile by the day. I remember moving out here. Mostly though, I remember the ways he felt and spoke. The way he drifted in and out of moods like ocean waves. I remember seeing his face for the first time a mere two months ago. I only saw that face six times. That last time shouldn't count. The place in my heart will never be filled now that he's gone, but he always said 'pick yourself up and carry on like it was a stumble. That's what it is after all', so that's what I'll try to do. I'll get up and run to make up his fall. I love you Nathan, no matter how many times you'd say ew for it, I know you love me too". Everyone clapped as I went back to my place and cried on Monica. I would've gone to Demi but she was apparently asked to sing.
"Hi, I'm Demi. Nate became my friend through Natalie and when we had some alone time he told me his favourite band was The All American Rejects, so this is for him, for you Nate". Then she sang Swing Swing. Although it was not a funeral song, it was a Nathan song, so it fit and I listened intently to the words but not the lyrics.
When we walked to the car and drove home in a heavy silence I thought and I thought. I never drew a single conclusion, it was an endless dead end road.